Ad 0:
2001-05-27 21:44:12 (UTC)

something different

I have always been the one to hide my emotions with jokes
or cut downs. So obviously It was really easy for my to
obey my 1 rule. I don't go after guys with girlfriends.IT
was really easy to push those guys away. Right, ok then I
get REAL feelings for this guy that of course has a
girlfriend. ok and I am talking real feelings here not
just some kinda of flirting thing or game, like I want to
be with this guy... like I know that it is totally wrong
and I would NEVER do this but today when I was hanging out
with him all I wanted to do was kiss him... Like everytime
I talk to him I find myself looking in his eyes, and
thinking to myself what am I getting myself into.. He has a
girlfriend and they have been together forever, what makes
me think that I even stand a chance.. so probably I should
totally back off and not worry about, because right now it
seems like he cares about me , but not enough to do
anything about it, and thats respectable .. I just want him
to be happy with whatever decision he makes and I am surely
not going to pressure him into doing something that he
might regret later... and the thing that makes all of this
worse is that fact that his girlfriend monica, is a really
caring nice person, but I don't see them together.. hes so
strong and passionate about life, and she is strong but not
in the same way.. she just seems like she needs him to lean
on. but i probably don't know her like he does so who am I
to judge? maybe he is just playing games with me, I always
said that I wouldn't get played.. maybe he just wants to
prove that he can tame me, ?? I don't know what to think
anymore this is all to complicated.. and when today he told
me "jokingly" he said that we need to kiss and see if there
could ever been anything between us, i don't know if he was
really joking or not.. I mena I guess it would be one way
to figure things out and all but, its wrong. PERIOD .. but
why does everything have to be so good with him, he is just
different, I find myself looking at him differently then I
have ever looked at someone.. I know thats a good thing but
I mean am I just going to get hurt here, what the hell is
he thinking because one min he is tell me that he knows
that he cares about me , and that he doesn't want the
feeling to go away, (this was while he was rolling though,)
but yet he is still he is with monica..I am so LOST.. I
guess I can't expect him to throw away what they have for
someone else, I guess whats meant to be will be I just want
this so bad and there is nothing I can do about it! he just
I don't know its just like I have been writing about this
guy with this certain personality traits since I was what
like 5 and he fits every single of them on the dot...
physically hes not my type but you know how you know
someone and they get more or less attractive, he is like
freakin brad pitt because of the way we connect. that
dream, I had sometimes I wish that it wasn't a dream, like
what a perfect first kiss..ok enough! I need to toughen up
and stop bullshitting, if it works it works :) if it
doesn't then my loss, and HIS!! haha j/k