S

trapdoors
2002-04-17 07:30:36 (UTC)

wednesday. 1:01am

sitting here watching "the pledge". i saw it before, good
movie. some would hate it or say it's too dry but it has a
good plot and such an incredible man directed it, sean
penn. be still my beating heart. i love that man.
so anyway, today was not hell. it was decent, if not
good. but of course that's probably because i didn't go to
class. ha. yeah i only have one class on tuesdays and
thursdays but of course you know if you skip that one then
you're free all day to do absolutely fuck. and that is the
plan.
didn't go anywhere special today. unless you count arby's.
ha. place didn't have air conditioning. sat outside at
this table that i danced on one night. i remember that
night. i put a hole in my friend's rainbow brite shirt
that night. i love that shirt. it's so cute. just as
cute as my strawberry shortcake shirt. of course i still
feel like they look cuter on the hanger than they do on me.
*shrugs*
so it was so incredibly hot today. i just don't like the
sun. i swear if it was just 65 degrees outside all the
time i'd be elated. i remember going to maine and how
great it felt. not hot or cold in the summer, just nice.
as i drove past the state line i could see the clouds
hanging so low, it was so great. it was so bright blue and
tranquil. the farther i drove the lower the clouds seemed
to get and it felt like i was driving towards some kind of
heaven. like maine was my heaven. i love maine still. i
planned on going to school there, that's why i went back a
second time. i was going to go to machias but it wasn't
very exciting. i figure i'll head up there when i'm old
and burned out on too much living. i'll go there to die.
i'll die in maine.
so today i hung out with my roommate, which i haven't done
in awhile. it seems we have two different schedules,
different friends and whatnot, so there's no time to really
hang out. but i'm glad i got to now because the semester
is almost over. man...this year has been one interesting
year. i can't even think of how the summer will be. how
can anything compare to the times i've had with my friends
here? i don't know. it seems like i'm not going home to
much. except my parents, who i have a good relationship
with now thank god. wasn't always the case. hmm...that's
another entry. another day.
it's weird how i was thinking of maine. i think in a way i
want to go visit again. i want to go to the beach. and
lay my head onto the sand and look at the sky and how it
resembles a blacklit canopy with holes punched in it. ha.
phew. for a minute there i lost myself.
but yeah...i suggest everyone go to maine at least once.
the best blueberry pancakes are in machias, maine. and i'm
a strange individual who doesn't eat lobster or else i'd
suggest that too. *rock lobster*
today my friends had this art experiment where i had to
draw a horsefly but i didn't know it was a horsefly until
after i drew it. she described it and i had to draw the
description. then i had to draw someone that i was
thinking about a lot but make them into an animal. this
was interesting. of course he looked like a deranged
puppy. then i had to draw me as an animal. that was
funny. i made myself into a bee. even though that's not
an animal. i feel like a bee sometimes. i'm not sure
why. i'm actually a bit afraid of them so it's strange i'd
want to be one. i'm sure that has some deep psychological
meaning to it but...*burp* not getting into that tonight.
and then finally i had to draw myself in the current state
i was in, and with that i drew myself wading in an ocean.
i think i felt more peaceful at that moment but yet i felt
like i was in conflict. once again, the ocean sort of
scares me and it's sad sort of, like i have nightmares
about the ocean sometimes. i don't know why i'd feel at
peace in a place i'm afraid of. fuck...this is all too
much to write at, damn, now 3:15 in the morning. i'll be
up all night i bet.
what else?...hmm...not much else going on tonight. think
it's safe to say i'm ready to pass out. sleep would be so
good. but we'll see if it happens.
wednesdays. i can flirt with jimmy c tomorrow. he's the
cutest professor ever. and i think he's tops. but he's
not quite my rushmore. no, i don't know who that is
anymore. well...i know who i'd like it to be. but i don't
think he wants to be my rushmore. i don't know what he
wants. which is so perfect...because i don't either.

xo,

suzanne




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