erin

anxiety attack
2002-04-16 18:03:43 (UTC)

so this is christmas

It seems like i have really been half assing my journal entries
lately. I know that i have put at least a minute element of
heartfelt emotion into each of them, especially when i have
been talking about my family, but i am so consumed by what
is going on around me that i leave out everything i intend to
write about. So, this is christmas. I woke up super early this
morning and i came downstairs feeling slightly under the
weather. When i was a little girl i used to wake up early
becuase i would be so full of excitement and joy to see what
santa had brought i was unable to sleep. This year, it was
just allergies driving me so nuts that i couldn't sleep.
Reguardless, i watched the christmas episode of 90210 on
fx, and waited for everyone else to wake up, hoping that by
then i would be feeling better. Well, i must have gotten into
the holiday spirit, becuase i was feeling much better by the
time all my presents were opened. I got the most perfect
presents this year. Everything i got will be wonderful in my
new house, including the cute new coat and shoes i got that
will make me look super cute in my new house! haha. well,
anyway, after we opened presents, we went to breakfast at
my aunt and uncles house. I have two new cousins, ( 2
years, and 9 months ) that i was dying to play with, becuase i
never really get to be around cute little kids, unless they are
throwing macaroni and cheese at red robin. I played magna
doodle with the older girl cousin for what seemed like an
hour, before we had to go home and get ready for the rest of
our busy day. Once we got home, everyone was anxious to
get everything done before jojo's family came over. Her
family is very nice. And by family, i mean that i really enjoy
her sister, who seems to be the dignified, artsy, culinary
goddess of the family. Katherine, is very sophisticated and
elegant, but has the ability to seem very casual and
comfortable at the same time. I always enjoy seeing her
around the holidays. Her daughter Jane (11) is really
intellegent. We talked about books and microscopes for quite
some time. We skipped the same grade, so we are annually
being compared to each other at the holiday gatherings. I
enjoy her nonetheless. Well, as for the exciting climax of my
story? my family is cute. we watched shrek together after
everyone left, and then they went to sleep. I, however, am in
this really pathetic state. I am completely miserable becuase
i am apparently allergic to the dog. or the christmas tree. or
this state. whatever it is though, it makes me rather good for
nothing, becuase i am so busy sneezing and sniffling that i
can't do much else. However, although i may be sick and
pathetic, i am incredibly fortunate to have a family that
spoiled me on christmas and gave me way more than i ever
deserved. I feel very lucky to have people love me as much
as they do, and selfish to ever try and blame any self esteem
issues i have on not being loved enough. I should have been
more specific. My family loves me so much, and I have been
very ignorant to that. For too many years i have tried to sort
out the truth in the resentful remarks that my mother threw
out, and the heartfelt emotion that my father has shown me. I
should have put her feelings aside and made my own
decisions, and at this point, i am just glad that i have a
family who loves me enough that they never even noticed
that i had often been skeptical of how i should treat them. I
am glad that in the past few weeks I have seen that my
chance is wide open to strenghten and tighten my
relationships with my family, and forgoe prior naivity.

in other news today, i talked to someone who i havn't talked
to in a long time. He is such an amazing person. I am so
insecure in my relationships with people, and in my friendship
with him, he provides me with such a strong feeling of
comfortablity that it has been easy to feel safe with him. I
hope we really get a chance to hang out before he goes back
to school becuase we usually say we'll hang out and never
end up doing it. THat is one of the downfalls of having a
friendship that is very secure: both parties seem to have a
mutual, subconcoius understanding that it will be there for a
long time, so there is not a strong need to make adhesive
plans. we'll see.

stalker called me this morning to wish me a merry christmas.
He is starting to grow on me. speaking of stalkers. I am
taking i know who off my buddy list. I am sick of wasting my
time trying to be his friend. I fear that I am just going to end
up feeling stupid in the long run.

Last but not least, i talked to my mom again today. Ironically
i found myself once again following up that sentence with, "i
love her so much." Point being, i really do. xo journal. i need
to dream of sugar plums. Day three of christmas is tomorrow.




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