anxiety attack
2002-04-16 17:55:43 (UTC)

sleep would be nice

my mom is laying behind me right now completely fucked up.
I have no idea on what though. . . she is trying to ask me
questions about moving out, and money. . . perhaps shes
asleep now because the questions have stopped. How is it
possible that you can love someone so much with the
complete understanding that they are bad for you? Well, i
dont know, but i know that it is possible. I love my mom so
much and i know that the things she does, and says, are not
meant to hurt me, but rather, are done with the best
intensions of giving me a better life... sort of? I know that she
does want me to be happy, but at the same time, it seems
that she will never let me be happy. Anyway, this topic is
getting boring. I was just figuring out my projected
expendatures once i move out. I am soo going to be a
starving college student. It isn't really like i need a lot of
things in my life, but the thinigs i do need, or will need once i
move out, will be expensive. oh well, i will figure it out. i
mean, i sort of just assume that things will work themselves
out. Like regardless of how hard things get, everything will
fall into place. Perhaps i get that from my mama. No matter
how horrible things seemed, she somehow made them work
out. anyway. i have to start packing. I am so happy to be
leaving tomorrow. i mean, i dont completely hate my life right
now, but at the same time, i am very grateful to be able to
get away for a little while. I have too many feelings about too
many situations in my life right now to be able to deal with
any of the situations individually. * on a brighter note in my
week, i realized that im pretty much over having a crush on
anyone right now. there are people who i used to really enjoy
talking to, that now i talk to and wonder why i even bother. I
guess thats what happens when I start examining my
relationshps with people. i realize how much deeper i look
into things than other people do. I guess i put too much value
into superficial relationships than do the other people in those
relationships. * so last night i went to the block, and i ran into
matt smith. God, its amazing how people can so oddly effect
your life. I mean, we had one class together in high school
and seeing each other last night could have been confused
for a reunion of lost loves... odd. The really ironic part, is that
we both want to be friends with each other, but his girlfriend
hates me. I dont know, you write something in someone's
yearbook that they take the wrong way and all of a sudden,
you cant even talk to their boyfriend. Stupid. Matt said the he
had forgotten all about it, and that he really wanted me to call
him. Im sort of happy becuase at least it means that he is
over letting a girl control his ability to have friendships with
people. Im definately going to invite him to my new house. by
the way, if anyone besides me reads this, you should go see
vanilla sky.