erin

anxiety attack
2002-04-16 17:36:56 (UTC)

entry 7. puffy eyes are sexy


1 30 in the afternoon and im crying unappeasably. i feel like
my eyes are going to fall out of their sockets, if for no other
reason than to give me something else to cry about. i just got
off of the telephone with my mother who was nice enough to
not ask me how i was doing, or why i hadn't called in the past
two weeks. she has a new scheme going that seems quite
legitimate. a business venture that will suposedly be quite
profitable. the only problem: she wants me to get in on it.
now, my mother, in her most endearing and loving state, is
stubborn to say the least. she sees this venture as a once in
a life time opportunity that will make us all rich, and she
wants the people she loves most to be a part of it. now,
logically, i could have declined her offer and went about my
daily business without any regard to the emotional damage
such a rejection would bring. but, becuase my relationship
with her is so damaged i agreed to go to the presentation
tomorrow night. I am scared. I feel as if with every other thing
my mother has attempted, and i have been skeptical about it,
she will feel as if i do not support her in her efforts to find a
better way of living. ALthough this is a legitimate business, i
dont feel as if i have the time or the emotional stability to get
involved right now. i am happy with my sleazy resturant job
and my incredibly temaltuous first year of college. I am
scared that after i attend this presentation tomorrow night,
and inform my mother that i dont want to be inovled, it will
only further damage our relationship. We have come to a
common ground at this point where we can have a
discussion without a breakdown on either end of the
telephone, at least not until after we hang up. I dont want to
compromise that by not being involved in a simple and
practical entrepeneurship. *But then there is the snowball
effect. what comes after i agree to be a part of this (ad)
venture? does our relationship rebuild itself and find us
holding hands and reminiscing about my happy carefree
childhood 6 months from now? i seriously doubt that. it
seems to be a no win situation. if she can find concentment
through my efforts to be a part of something she belives in,
should i sacrifice my own personal happiness to affect it? a
better question would be, why am i crying? honestly, i feel
stressed and confused. i dont understand how to live in a
world that is constantly throwing me curveballs without any
regard to my batting ability. ironic that i've resorted to using
baseball metaphores to disect my life. sick. i keep trying to
figure everything out and it only leaves me more confused. i
keep seeking comfort and emotional stability and it only
leaves me more alone. how fucking emo is this journal entry.
i swear i just need something to do. *brald just called.
something to do. sick how these things work out. i couldn't
understand the background picture when i looked at the
computer this morning but she has just filled me in.
somethingawful.com.... home of ugly people being bashed for
soemthing they cant help. thank god for the internet,
boredom, and america's love for cynicism. apparently she
was bored last night and spent the evening online staring at
the countless pictures and andecdotes next to them. i need a
shower. twenty minutes later and im done crying. odd.




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