Autumn Always
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2002-04-16 14:43:52 (UTC)

This beautifull life

Dare I say things might be looking up? Work has been going
really well. Yesterday was really chaotic to say the least.
Bob called out sick. He has off tuesdays too, so if calles
out on monday on the weekend we don't work he gets a 4 day
weekend. What a prick. That in turn left me and Meredith.
She's only been there barely a week. And Jess was an hour
late and Anna wasn't scheduled to come in untill 11. We
didn't even finish the kennels untill 12. Very tiring. I
don't think we stopped for 5 min all day. But it was sooooo
gorgeous out! And today is just as lovely. We're breaking
records here for april. It's supposed to go to 90 today.
I'll believe it when I see it. high 80's maybe. I just
can't get over how hot it is! I do love it though. And I
upped my zoloft on saturday and I think, think being the
oprerative word here, I think I might be feeling better. I
haven't had any moments of panick, and I even went groccery
shopping by myself the other day! And I went out with Kilea
shopping on a whim and was fine! I'm even feeling more
positive. I'm so desperate to believe this will stay. I'm
actually feeling truely hopefull. Patrick is coming over in
a bit. We haven't had a day together in I don't even know
how long. Are scheduals are just so busy it's hard to get a
day off together. But I can't wait. It will be so good to
just relax and have some quality time. *sigh* Our 3 year
anniversaryi s coming up in less then a month. I'm torn. My
brother graduates in may. Mom and Dad are driving out there
to see him. If I can get off work, I want to go. I want to
get in the car and drive across america. Something I've
never done. See things I've never seen, try to get over my
panick by taking this trip. Not to mention that this will
probably be the last time in my life that my parents take a
trip together. It's for my brother and so they will do it.
We've never had a "family" vacation short of driving to the
beach for a day or too and I feel like I want to go. Have
this trip to be with them both at the same time because I
don't believe I'll ever have the oppertunity again. At the
same time we'd be leaving on the 8th and my 3 year
anniversary with Patrick is the 9th. It's awfull. I want
both so much. If I go will he understand? I don't know how
much longer I'm going to have my Dad. I know he wan't me to
stay here and I do, I want to be with him on that day. But
I also want to have this last chance to be with mom and dad
at the same time. If I go with them it doesn't mean I chose
them over him, it's hard to say but we are young, how many
prescious years do I have left with mom and dad? And I know
never again like this. I don't want him to think he's
second choice because he's not. It's so confusing. How do I
go and still let him know he's loved dearly and that my
heart would be breaking to be with him on that day. how
would I let him know that this might be the last chance I
have to have my family if only for briefly acting like a
family, that I feel like I need to do this to prove to
myself that my panick does not rule me? Ermph. God help me
find a way to make everyone happy... Other then that little
delema, I feel great. But now I have to eat and he'll be
here soon. Wish me luck.