passionispoison

My Soap Opera Life
2002-04-16 07:49:16 (UTC)

Refreshment!

Friend,
It is raining outside, and the smell is seeping through the
open window, it smells so refreshing, as does my new life.
I am a changed girl. I told Mike I was changed, and he's
giving me a new chance! I went to Wal Mart today, and I got
some boxes, and groceries, and I didn't have an anxiety
attack for once. I ran into Bing at the mall (he lives in
Ariel's building) he said that he thinks Ryan and Ariel
have a lot of sex, I told him, I don't care, and please
don't ever mention those two people's names in my presence
again. I then got back from the store around five, and my
parents called to tell me that my dad will be able to come
down and get me next week, and take a couple days off with
a substitute teacher. I feel so bad, but there isn't much I
can do when I don't have friends I can rely on! I also came
to the realization, after talking to my psychologist, that
my life with Ryan was just like the movie America's
Sweethearts. I am Gwen Harrison, and Ryan is Eddie Thomas.
We fought constantly but to our friends, and families we
were the "happy couple" always wearing that smile for our
public. It of course didn't work on Ariel, who would
portray Kiki, therefore she won Ryan's heart. Well like I
said in my last post the two deserve each other, and I am
over them! I also realized that I am sincerely happier
without them both. I don't know somehow I feel like I can
truly smile, and I'm not hiding shit behind that smile. I
mean who needs fucked up people in their lives that sit
there and cause fights, and then blame you. Maybe I should
have been more honest with my friends, let them know how
Ryan and my relationship was really going. How I waited on
him hand and foot, and got bitched at in return. How I
wanted to be loved so badly that I went to every extreme to
make my relationship look like a winning one. That's not
fucking love, that's fucking bullshit... and it's over
with. I am going to find love someday but not on some
dating site on the internet. I mean maybe the internet guy
I met in chat is the guy for me, and maybe he's not. Maybe
internet boy is just there to talk with right now, and the
real guy I'm supposed to be with I meet in a mall, or a
restruant or somewhere else. All I know is that if I see
any signs of an unhealthy relationship again, I will turn
and run. I am not going to be a little actress, playing her
games, and trying to salvage something that was never even
there. I am done with infatuation and searching for love.
Love will find me, I will not find it. I will hang out with
the internet boy, I will hang out with Josh, I will hang
out with people that I meet when I go to Denver, but I will
not be looking for love. I will not just give my heart
away, I will make the guys work for my heart. I will make
them prove that they are worthy of my heart, before I just
give it away.. and that goes for my body too. I am tired of
sex. I am tired of there not being mutual loving feelings
there. I don't think I've ever had good sex. I think that I
convinced myself that it was good sex, just like I
convinced myself I was in love so many times. The only
person I think I actually truly loved is dead. I'm sorry
Mike, if you are reading this, I don't think I truly loved
you. I think I wanted to love you, we had chemistry, but I
don't think it was love. I think it was infatuation that
led to obsession, but I'm done thinking about you in my
fantasies! I'm done thinking about Ryan in my fantasies! I
am done fantasizing. Cloud nine just burst into flames, I
am now down to earth, the new me. I am going to be straight
forward from now on, and if people think I'm a bitch then
fuck them I don't need them anyway! I am done manipulating,
and lying and charming people to make sure that I'm on
their good side. If you fuck with me, then I'll just leave
your ass behind, and move on! That my friend is change! So
now I will go to bed with the peaceful smell of rain..
goodnight!
Erin




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