Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
2002-04-16 02:53:41 (UTC)

It was really hot last night,..

It was really hot last night, and once again, I did't sleep
well. It seems like the only time I can fall asleep is
when I shouldn't, so lately I've been trying to trick
myself. Like last night, I didn't put sheets back on my
bed, and was like "I'm just going to read for a little
while, but I'd better not fall asleep, because I need to
make my bed up"... and it almost worked, but not quite. So
around 1 or 2 I ended up getting up to go to the br, so I
just made my bed up, and it was so hot I couldnt get
comfortable at all, so finally I stripped down, and the
cool sheets on bare skin felt so good that I finally began
to doze off, and then of course, the house cooled down, and
I was freezing.

I started making the bed for our "rapture of canaan"
project. Which took a really long time. It's not quite
done yet, but it looks pretty good. But, once again, I
only ended up doing as much as my father would let me. I
appreciate his help, and he really is great at stuff like
this (and most kids would love to have their dad take over
their hw for them), but ever since I was a little girl, any
time I had a project that involved building or testing or
whatnot, there was dad, and my project became his project.
Like today, he was like "Well, I would have set this up
differently to do such-and-such, but we can work around
that". I designed it myself the best way I knew how, and I
didn't even want such-and-such done! And I have no idea
what I'm going to do in college when dad can't take over my
projects as easily; I've never actually done one on my
own. I guess I'm kind of the same way; when someone else
isn't as good as me at something, I'm much more likely to
say "Here, let me do that". But I just want a chance to
make my own mistakes. All I asked dad was "Where are the
mitre box and the handsaw?" and "Can you help me with the
power saw?" and that was all the help I wanted, but he
jumped in, and changed my designed, and fiddled, and built,
and damn it, it looks better than it would have... but it's
not really mine.

I got my shoes for prom today. They make me tall and they
make me happy. Always a good combo.