DreamMyLullaby

My*Uniquness
2002-04-15 23:24:09 (UTC)

Why me?!!

It's always me that goes through hell. All freakin day i
cried at school. I'm so lost. I get up at 4 am after
going to bed at 12am. So 4 hours of sleep. I leave my
house at 6am and i'm running on empty=my car that is. I go
to a gas station cuz i'm scared that i'm gonna run out of
gas... and the fucking pump doesn't work-the clerk at the
counter is a retard and doesn't know what to do. so i
leave with no gas in my car, get to school and fail my
english test 1st period and my history test 2nd period. I
go to bible 3rd and being to cry cuz i can't stand seeing
justin... i love him so much and yet i hate him, and love
him. Love more than hate, but i also just don't understand
him. He hates me, he wants me to die. He wishes i were dead
and he would love to kill me himself-fine by me. All day
i've been wishing that God would take my life and spare me
this agony! I left bible, cuz i couldn't handle holding it
in. Anthony-who sits next to me, was really nice and wanted
to help me... he talked about how he had a hard time
forgiving himself-how did he know that i'm struggling with
that?! Anyways, after that i went to photo-where my
pictures didn't turn out very well, someone bent them and
scratched them.. so the art show is gonna suck for me!!!
during lunch justin talked to me for a few min. and was
rubbing my back-he stuck his hand under my shirt a bit so
he could feel my skin-he tortures me and himself. Then he
made those sad faces and was calling me meaniepants and
throwing his chicken sandwich at me... weirdo! Anyways,
when i went to spanish, at the end of class Mr. Hinn was
asking me about how iw as doing, and how things with Jusitn
were. Plus he see's me tlaking to Justin-and he's
like "why do you do that to yourself, you are just
postpoing the inevitable. It has to end sometime!" He's
so true with it all but i don't want to listen, cuz i want
to talk to justin... dude the past few night's i've been
so .. i keep fantasizing about him-and me... and well
yeah! I miss our "fun times" - "watching the sunrise"...
dude! i miss him. Why did i have to screw it all up! Mr.
Hinn tells me that i need to stop talking and associateing
with Justin completely, so that my heart will heal, and
that Justin needs to let go too. I don't know how to
initiate the "end". He leaves for college this summer and i
keep thinking-i can wait till them-Mr. Hinn says that he
can just see how at the end of the year i'll still be
hurting and how over the summer justin and i will still be
talking and writing emails.. and again my heart will not
heal. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE RITE!!!!! Justin needs
therapy-but he doesn't believe me. He says that that's why
he talks with his friends and family, but i know thats not
enough but he won't listen to me cuz i'm the one who hurt
him, and that's why hes hurting and he won't listen cuz i'm
the one who screwed him over. He hates me! Yet he says that
he still cares for me, misses me, and loves me?! I don't
understand , this is torture-i deserve it but i dont'
understand it. The pain comes in so many forms... why!!!
The next class was Chemistry.. iw as late cuz i was talking
with Mr.Hinn.. my grade hin Chem sucks booty, and i have to
get it up to a C, preferably B, in order to be able to get
into a UC! Then in the parking lot i see Justin get into
the car with Andrea-my nemisis!!!FUCK! i don't like her and
he's now best friends with her-i don't get it! Then i'm
driving out of the lot and someone-i think Vanessa-fuckin
rear ends me! Luckily there are not scratches or dents on
my bumper. Traffic getting home was the worst-i got gas
and had to turn around2x. I was crying all the way home.
Got home and went straight to my room to bawl some more.
My eyes are sore and my stomach hurts-haven't eaten. I've
taken 2 caffien pills, 2 of my bupropium, 4 diet pills
(with caffien in them),2 advil and my allegra... i haven't
eaten all day and don't plan on putting anything in my
mouth except diet pills and water! And Possibly asprin. I
am so sick of everything. My friends don't know what is
ging on and yet they continue to try to "help" me. they
don't know what they are doing. Friggen A! I'm just not
having a good day-oh yay and now my ear is ringing! That's
not fun at all.




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