marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
2002-04-15 21:00:46 (UTC)

permanence

songs of the whenever:
Genesis - "It's Gonna Get Better"
Vanessa Carlton - "A Thousand Miles"

I know that it’s been a while since I last wrote in this
journal. To give an update, it’s spring quarter at OSU,
I’m still busy w/RA and IV stuff as well as classes,
tomorrow is my 21st birthday, and Pacey is graduating
in two months and as far as I know will be attending the
University of Cincinnati. Also, Folex got his behind kicked
by one of his residents, and his floor hates him more than
my own floor hates me. It's jacked up.

God has been showing me a lot about what it means to
really love someone. When I went home for spring
break, I had a dream that really disturbed me. In the
dream, I was walking across the Oval, and Pacey was
sitting on a bench snuggled up with Cameron Diaz.
Then later, I went to class, and a girl in the class had
gotten killed, and somehow, it was all my fault. The
thing was, in the dream I was upset at both
occurrences, but I was more upset that Pacey was with
Cameron Diaz than the fact that this girl had died. That
fact made me mad at myself (not to mention that
Cameron Diaz doesn’t strike me as Pacey’s type). God
showed me that to really love someone doesn’t mean
being jealous or self-focused. Loving someone means
that you care about them to where you want them to be
well off, happy, and you want the best for them even if it
means that they’re not with you. I think that the closest I
ever got to loving someone like that is Bud.

I think that the big thing w/Pacey is that on one hand,
he’s one of the coolest guys I’ve ever met, and he’s the
kind of guy that I could only dream of being with. But on
the other hand, it’s really difficult for me to see the
things that happened negatively through the course of
our friendship as having little to no bearing on Pacey’s
character now. Yeah, it’s the idea of permanence, or
the "now and forever" train of thought. It’s hard for me to
accept sometimes that on some level Pacey does care
about me. I think that part of that is the past w/him and
part of that is my past w/males in general. I have a hard
time feeling like any male outside of my family
members could actually care about me, on any level.
Even worse is the fact that we have a history, meaning
that at one point I liked him (and a part of me still does).
Considering that most guys that I have liked have
thoroughly dissed me, disregarded my humanity,
scoffed and mocked what I had to say, and have then
vanished into the annals of history, it’s hard for me to
really believe that Pacey, even through our ups and
downs, is actually being a friend to me, and that he is
so b/c he wants to. It’s not a Pacey problem; it’s a Jaye
problem.

I just hope that I can enjoy my time with Pacey more
before he walks.