freakchild

Darkness is not Evil
2002-04-15 19:17:39 (UTC)

Nothingness

Mood: indifferent, depressed, angry, disgusted and just a
wierd feeling all at the same time
Music: Nothing. wats rong wif me!? im not even listenin to
music-my 1 tru love. socking.

oh well hello there phoenix :o) aint ritten in u for an
ickle while, sowwy i have been buzy-doing nothing, saying
nothing, being nothing.
Im having such a bad day today and i thought the week would
go so well! i was all ready n shit 4 my ict exam, slept at
debs lazz nite, even got some vegan chinese take away oh
and got my ticket for pure silk! ok so its not really my
music, and im not really old enuf to go - um about 3 years
off, but still its a nite out with debbie n she wanted me
to be there. it'll be good. got some knee high's and
everything. i mean - they aint really gonna let me in wif
fat off sk8r trainers on r they. ok so its not at all my
scene, theyll be no moshers, no flesh tubes, no blaring
guitar sounds with cymbals crashing every 2 beats and men
roaring down the microphone scrapin their sweat into the
crowd, but debbie asked me to go. it will be fun,u , debs n
some others!
then woke up this morning, skin felt all soft an smooth,
looked in the mirror and wasnt looking too bad - until i
got into the light. my face was all blotchy (damn purple
soap)and hair wouldnt go how i wanted it. but that dont
really matter - got into skool, worked fuk loads for ict,
being ready for the exam, feeling so proud of myself,
having basicly completed everything and for once being up
to date with work.
had drama. this - my used to be favourite lesson - has
turned into the most boring, annoying, shitty, agravating
lesson known to man. it makes me sick thinking that i have
to go in there. with them people. with that teacher. theres
like 8 people in our drama class and i only even romotly
talk to three of them. at a push four. I hate my school, i
cant walk down the corridor to my next lesson with out
something shouted at me, thrown at me or getting tripped
up. And the ones that dont have the guts to do anything -
3/4 of the school just stare at u. 369 pairs of eyes
following u, 369 sniggers, 369 comments about how big your
trousers are, or the colour of your hair, every single day.
it gets boring, trysome, but it also gets depressing, it
gets u paranoid, it gets to you like u never thought
something so stupid could.
then had lunch - nearly got spat on. i felt dirty.
then went to technology thinking oh - ill finish my project
in this double lesson. bell rings for the end of the lesson
and feeling soo proud that my light in practically finished!
went to registration quite tyred only to be told id failed
my ict gcse because i hadnt shown up for the exam.
what a stupid fucking pratt. why do i allways do this. i
forget anything thats imporant to me, i block it out
completely but i can remember every stupid little thing
people say and do, what colour clothes they were wearing on
what day and stupid things like that. what a fucking stupid
arsehole.
im soo fucking dead when i get home i thought, so i wnet up
to ict and begged for another exam date, they said they
dont know. i just pray that they allow me to do it again or
i wont even have a chance to retake it next year. there is
no way my mum would let me survive to.
so im back to nothingness again.
everyones gone to 'nandos' for dinner.
i cant eat - im just thinking about wat wud happen if i
cant retake the exam. im soo ashamed and disgusted with
myself for that. what was i thinking? ict is worth 2 gcse
grades and i was 'b' grade arghhh! that would make two
extra 'b's. i want to bleed
but cant. sat. going out with debbie and am bearing arms.
just hope whats left isnt to noticable in the dark.
still gonna go - i just couldnt let debbie down, and a part
of me does really wanna go still but
somehow going out has lost its appeal




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