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2002-04-15 15:38:22 (UTC)

If life is a bowl of cherries....

I wouldn't mind the occasional pit, but some fruit with
them would be nice. I fear for my lover's health. If I
could bring them together would I. Or would I be too
scared. I feel useless again. I'm up to two jobs this
year. I don't believe that I try to not work, but every
time things go good I screw them up. I think my fiancee'
loves me, I mean I now she's in love with me, but does she
like the person I am? I lay awake at night knowing that
she yearns for someone else, her friend, but I will bring
them together if I can, come hell or high water, even if it
hurts me to do so. I lay awake at night and try not to go
crazy thinking that I might lose her to.... I won't finish
that thought it would be wrong. I know she love's me but I
feel crazy. I no longer question my sanity, I know it's
gone. I lay awake at night and worry about money, the
things I can't give her, the things that scare me. I lay
awake at night and try to remeber my father, but I can't

My family is all gone, my life before 20 is over. I have
only a handful of friends, unfinished schooling, and lots
of horrible memories to show for this time in my life. My
life before 12 was happy though dim... From 12 to 20 I
dropped school, got married, divorced, watched my family
die, or disappear, moved alot to get away from myself, and
then she came to me, and showed me that I am not the one
who did it. I played a part, but it wasn't all my fault.
She showed me that I still have love left, and it's all for
her. I only want her happy, when she smiles and looks at
me the world is well, and I can continue living for today
and tomorrow with her.

I lay awake at night and watch her sleep in my arms,
breathing slowly, and loving me even in her sleep. I lay
awake at night and hope fore the life we can give each
other and the life I have with her now. I lay awake at
night and cry for the pain that I feel knowing that she
isn't happy with home. I lay awake at night.....

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