camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-04-15 13:51:23 (UTC)

grain of sand

for some reason, i feel alone. and why? i don't know. i
just do.

last night i had this thought that i was going to die. i
had a feeling that i will not wake up today, to breathe in
the air and to feel these keys under my fingers. but i did
wake up. twice.

the second time i woke up, i had a smile on my face.
because my sister was out and i had the whole apartment to
myself...even if only for those 2 hours. actually, less
than 2 hours. around an hour and a half. so i turned up the
radio and reveled in the gloriousness of brandon boyd's
voice.

i'm calmer now. i'm trying to think of something about
feminism for tomorrow's debate. we are going to lose.
seriously.

couldn't stop thinking about my exaggerated importance in
this world last night. i am somebody insignificant. i am
nobody really. i'm just somebody trying to get into a
university that will give me a degree, that will influence
the job that i will have, that will give me money, that
will help me support a family, that will not go with me
when i die.

besides, who am i? i am candice. i am camicazy. what does
that mean? nothing.

i am a grain of sand in an ocean. a grain thinking that it
has the world in its hands. a grain thinking that it will
make a difference. a grain thinking that it is a rock, a
seashell, lying across the shore with the other seashells.

i am a grain of sand. i trickle along god's fingers when he
lifts us up in his hands...watching us fall and live our
little lives. we are nothing. compared to him...we are
nothing.

i should go back to doing work...ahh life. so happy and yet
so miserable.