Chapter One: The Evil Within
2002-04-15 05:16:36 (UTC)

I'm A Hazard to Myself

This is me, I have technically 2 best friends, 1 female,
know her for 4 years, we have had our fights, but we always
run to eachother, and we have horrid inside jokes. My other
best friend is male, know him 4 years, we have gotten in 2
fights, one lasted 3days, the other just short of 2
minutes, he saw me cry once, he is my billboard and my muse.
I am morally aposed to smoking cigarrettes, but for some
reasons, cigars dont bother me. I am afraid of clowns, and
being alone, and the flavor and sent of mostly all mint
makes me gag at the least. So i use barbie tooth paste.
I got my nose pierced, becuase I wanted to broaden my
horizens, and expiriences, by the way, its my ceptum, not
the side.
I get into relationships that mean nothing to the other
person, and I fall for people who dont care. I become
friends, or are at least civil with mostly all of my best
friends, i have dated 9 people, kissed 12, and that makes
me feel like a whore.
I dont flash my body around, becuase i think its
hideous, and besides that, i want a person to pay attention
to me and notice me for who i am on the inside, and not on
the outside, not that i am much of a person on the inside.
I think its stupid that boys are told not to cry, but i
dont cry in front of people, or try not to for that matter,
because i feel that it shows weekness.
I will always be one of the guys, no matter what, i dont
think any one of my guy friends would ever look to me for
girl information, because, i am not "one of them". I work
on cars, and love getting dirty. My favorite thing to do is
work with my hands, and I have no direction at the moment
in where i am going, and i cant burp.
I love my family, or lack there of, because my mother is
1 of 7 and my dad 1 of 3, and together, there is only 2
aunts 4 cousin and 1 uncle that would recognize me if i
passed them on the street.
I love to sing, though I dont think i sound too good,
and I also play percussion, this is my 12th year. I am an
art major, and i am not a big children fan, but i want to
be a teacher so i can influence kids the way my parents and
teacher did me, because i know alot of parents dont do
that. I also love making jewelry, i have my own line of
turtles started, but you can only get them from me, and
besides myself, the only person who has one, is my turtle,
I once had these really religious people come up to me
and tell my i was going to spawn the anti christ and end
the world as we know it because i was born on sept. 9th. I
was 12 when they said that, and i didnt much care either. I
am a wiccan, I found this religion when i was 14, before
then, i was more lost than i am now.
And I hate myself, I can be hypacrtical at times, i
never let go of things, and I dont think that there is
anyone out there for me, beucase everytime i see this one
person, i feel that i will never be good enough for him, or
what he wants. I hate the fact that I am one of the guy, I
wish one day I could just look good in a dress. I dont like
sunlight, so i am always pastey ass irodecently pale. I
have a big mouth and never shut up, the last word is always
taken by me, if i can help it, and if someone tells me one
thing, i will make sure its just the opposite. I have my
own little world, and believe that as soon as i step out of
my room in the morning, i have entered reality, and left my
humble lonesome world. I know I can make it on my own, but
i never want to think of it. I want 2 kids, maybe three,
but i am definatly able to settle on 1, and what ever the
first one is, i wnat to name it jon, like my father and all
the male mishocks all the way back as far as anyone can
trace, if its a girl, Jon-Michelle, and if its a boy,
Jonathan Alexander. I tell my mother almost everything, but
some things i dont even want to admit to myself, and i hate
my boobs, i feel that they are too small for my body type,
but much too large for me. I plan to jump off a bridge at
the age of 26, because i have always wanted to know what
its like to fly, and thats as close as i can imagine
getting, and its going to be into water. I am too
opinionated, and blame myself for everything, i say sorry
too much, and wish that i could make everything all better
for everyone else, even if it means me being in endless
pain. I hate to admit when i am wrong, and often find
myself being the big feminist and animal rights activist,
and see that that pisses people off. And even though i am
not like anyother female in this world, I still wish for
that one true love to come and sweep me off of my feet, and
tell me they love me, and that that person will never let
me down, or leave me. I know all of this is just a big
joke, but this is me, and thats the sad part. I am a loser,
because i hate myself, and i love someone who may not care,
and i am too chicken to say anything. And I wish i could
change everything about me some times. I used to starve
myself, and after i got over that, i ate very little and
then exersized 2 times more off. I have 4 nieces and 1
nephew, and my one niece, Shawnna, is my life, and she is
often confussed my passers on the street as my child. I
have friends, but few seem same, and those who are, do they
acctually know me? well they do now...

I am Vicki Elizabeth