deadkaren

i am a bloody mistress
2001-05-26 00:56:45 (UTC)

i think i am a mistress

its the early hours of the 26th of may, nothing
particularly special about the day though a sinking feeling
has been resting in my stomach. something is wrong, i know
it but i dont know what it is and i am afraid to find out.
i decided to keep an online diary, as my own diary is not
safe from prying eyes, i need somewhere to share
everything, all my loves hates and fears and whatever else
i might feel.
my life has been pretty standard if not happier than most
up til now. but i have come to the first hurdle of my life.
i think i have become a mistress. its not what u think but
then again he is married so i dont know any other way to
put it.
it was love at first sight for me and eventually he felt
the same, its been going on a year over n he is still with
me.....and her. i use to look at other women n feel
disgust, how could a women sink so low to become an extra,
and what about the poor old wife let alone the children.
and here i am, doing just that. but i am not enjoying this,
it slowly but is surely taking over everything in my life,
i would give up almost anything i have just to be with him
even if it meant living together in a cardboard box just as
long as it was together. i want him forever, n he wants
me....i think. him having a child makes things more
complicated tho, a beautiful baby girl. to be with me means
not having her. i want him so much but what person would i
be to ask him to do that. and yet what will my life be
without him? sometimes i wish we never met, so he wouldnt
hurt the way he is hurting now. look what i have done, i
hate myself for it. but if we love each other, couldnt we
work it out? he cant decide and has asked me to wait, i
have waited a year. he has tried to leave me over n over
again but always came back. i cant imagine leaving him but
i cant be like this much longer. am i stupid to wait or is
it insensitive to push for a decision? i just dont know.
and no, she doesnt know about it.
i just love him so much but the whole thing is tearing me
apart. look wat i have become. i dont want to hurt him. i
dont want to upset him. i just want to know. i just want it
all to end.