daydream disbeliever

Mad Ramblings From a Blithering Idiot
2002-04-14 13:40:03 (UTC)

Apprehension

I stayed over at Josh's again last night. I love
sleeping (and I mean that literally) with him, but for some
reason I couldn't get "in the mood". Not like Thursday,
anyway. I was so disappointed in myself. I still feel
like a moron. I've only known him a bit over a week, and
already I'm staying over and doing things with him. I feel
like the world's only living virgin slut. His parents must
think I'm trash, although he insists that they don't. I
can't believe I let him do what he did last night. But the
sad thing is, I didn't really feel anything, and THAT is
supposed to feel the best of all things a guy can do. I'm
so frustrated. I have no feeling in several parts of my
body. He tries, and I'll feel a little bit, but for the
most part, nothing. I just want to curl up and cry-I'm a
failure at this, too.

The good things are that he does keep trying and is
seemingly hellbent on my having a good time, and that he
respects my not wanting to have sex yet. However, it seems
as if he wants to do everything else, and I just don't know if
I'm ready for those, either. I'm so inadequate. It's just
physically impossible for me to get happy. Thursday
must've been a fluke, although I wish it could've happened
last night.

But I still like him so much. But the part that
scares me to death is that I don't want him to be Mr. Right-
now, but I think he is. Only time and my dormant (or non-
existent?) sexual energy will tell.

K.