Amnesia

April 14th, 2002...3 a.m.

A lot happened today, and I have a lot to write, so bare
with me...

Okay I forgot to write this intro. (I had to go back and
type this in.) This is exactly what I need to write so that
I don’t forget, and in this sequence. First, about how I
felt on the beginning of the day. Second about me and my
mom shopping. 3rd, me cleaning my closet, 4th about the
party, 5th about throwing up/ not fitting in/ thoughts
during the party. Finally, the aftermath. I simply must
state:
- how happy I am about moving to a different
location and finally changing something with
my life,
- how much I miss Teresa,
- how I simply shouldn’t go to parties anymore,
and am not fit for such occasions,
- how I want to try to find out who I am and the
more I try, the more I seem to fail.
Here we go:

Today started out good. I woke up in good spirits since in
the morning, (about 2 a.m, I went to bed) after reading ½
of the book Dracula. It kinda scared me, but now I was
feeling peachy since it wasn’t true and I knew that. It was
a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the grass was
green, “under the 3 feet of snow I’m in.” Haha. (South park
soundtrack) I tried to take on new challenges. Today was
all about doing normal things which I never do but should.
Since I will be doing these things when I’m gonna move out.
(A day which I hope for and dread at the same time. It will
mark the beginning and the doom of my life.)
For the first time I went to the grocery store alone and
got in the meat aisle. I wasn’t gonna buy meat, but cheese.
They have it in the same place and the cheese there is just
exquisite. ( Well, that’s over exaggerating it a lot.) I
took a number when I came in “C04" it said. The number
being served was 59 at the time. So I kept going back and
forth to A.K. and the shop since they are next door to
check up on the numbers. I was sorely bored but what was I
to do? First time I came back it said 60, the next 63, the
next 67, then 72, 83, 87, finally then, was 94. I stayed.
The numbers seemed to move quicker and they got to 4 pretty
soon. I went up to the lady that called out my number. She
took it and asked what I wanted. In my head I arranged the
conversation but it seemed to have come out wrong. I was to
say: May I have a pound of “Wspanialy” cheese? And I said:
Can I get ½ a pound of wspanialy cheese. Which would
probably not last me till the end of the day. Tomorrow is
gonna be a hell of a crowd so I should have taken more, but
oh well. I always feel kinda awkward when I’m in that store
buying not much. Everyone there lives far so they shop for
the whole week and spend 100's on groceries.

When I came home, I was very satisfied when I made some
toast with the cheese micro waved so that it would melt,
with a lot of ketchup. Just how I like it. I then realized
we have no water. I told my dad. He was leaving for work.
It was about noon. He gave me two bucks to go to Osco and
buy some. I first ate and got online. Luckily I found
Teresa on. I think, I don’t recall much of it. (It seemed
as though it were a week or so ago. Maybe a day.) Well
anyway, I got off and was wondering if I should leave or
not. I knew I was to go to Osco. That was all part of the
being human again plan. But I was wondering would I have
enough time to get back home if I go to apply at
Starbuck’s. I finally made up my mind and left.
Much to my surprise, the bus didn’t take my card. Oh well.
I had two bucks handy. Unfortunately when I got there they
were still out of applications. That kinda got me down a
little cause I wasted two bucks and some time. But I did
need to start doing things like this and I wouldn’t have
enough time to start and finish some homework or anything
anyway. (Wow, having both too little, and too much time all
in one. Can you imagine?)

I got home and started writing a card on the computer.
Later I realized that it was no use since the printer
wouldn’t print anyway. I was asking my mom, and my mom was
asking me, non stop if the other is ready. It’s an annoying
little habit that has come to my family. Especially cause
it goes on for ½ an hour at least. That piss’s me off. I
don’t like to waste time.

We started driving. All was real nice. I kept thinking
about the new house since yesterday about 8 my mom called
this one place and it sounded splendid. She was afraid that
with our luck someone will see it tomorrow and
automatically buy it and we will miss out on a great place
to live. Of course it is an apartment. In a good, quiet
neighborhood. With a yard to our use as well, a basement
where we can put our exercise equipment, normal ally
garbage cans. As well as friendly owners which we can
communicate with, and have children a little younger then
us. The street always has a parking space and is wide
without potholes. When my mom and my brother Arthur went
there, they really liked it. It was real clean and with
some carpeting, heat, 3 bedrooms, and a way to get directly
to the top floor. The only bad thing was that it was really
small. We aren’t used to that. But when my mom came back
and she said that she didn’t leave the deposit I asked her
why not? I mean I tired to convince her that everything
isn’t perfect. The other houses she was checking out (some
of them,) didn’t have warm water, or carpeting, or nice
owners, or a good neighborhood, or heat. The list goes ever
on. There was always something terribly wrong with them.
Some unliveable condition for the 5 of us. (Oh plus they
have a cat so we can keep kitty!!! YEAH!!!!!!!) Point
being, I told her that it is a very good house, and with
only 800 a month it is a great deal. So she finally decided
to give them a call at about 10:00 that we’ll take it. She
is finally realizing that she has made the right choice. (I
might go see it tomorrow.)
So today I was real excited that something in my life would
change. Maybe then my life would have some meaning to it. I
was great full for change. I needed it bad. Especially
lately. So I kept giggling and smiling so hardy as never
before. How could I not? I got my wish. :0)

We arrived at Burlington. My favorite store. (No slut like
clothes, but nice styles in my sizes with low prices.) I
was to buy Karoline a gift. I did. My mom insisted I buy
something for myself as well. Mainly some jeans and black
pants. We both wanted the same thing with them. My size,
comfortable, and plain. (Original) That didn’t happen. I
found the pants, actually my mom did. She has a thing for
clothing. She may not always know the right style, but she
always knows the size. I’m just lost. So we bought some
stuff from there.
We then went to Rainbow. I saw a big difference in dress.
It was more slut like, and ghetto. I couldn’t find any
normal pants so we walked out.

When we came home I was happy with my new stuff. Normally I
don’t like to shop and that still hasn’t changed. But I do
need some normal clothes. Friday I was very uncomfortable
in school. I wore a normal shirt. I wore that same outfit
to school once and everything was fine. Today, it wasn’t. I
am never again buying a shirt that buttons all the way to
the bottom up front. Or at least never wear one without
something under, and that clearly showing. Those shirts
just aren’t meant for me. On Friday my shirt popped opened
at my chest while playing scrabble in French with 4 guys.
Hopefully they didn’t notice since they were looking at
their letters, but I was extremely uncomfortable, and it
took a hell of a lot of time to button that up discreetly.
I walked around with a hot jacket for the remainder of the
day. It was fucking 70 degrees! I couldn’t stand it. I was
so pissed that the one day it finally feels like spring,
and I’m not aloud to enjoy it. I then realized that I still
don’t know how to shop for clothes, don’t know my sizes, (
I think I’m getting over that, but I still need practice in
shopping,) and I still have my Freshman clothes which I’ve
outgrown. So I was happy that I finally got these without
putting up a fight that I don’t want it with my mom. I am
to get jeans at discovery during the week. Hopefully
something un slut like will be there, and original. No
fancy colorings or designs. Just dark denim with a normal
cut.

I packed Karoline’s gift, and since I was putting away
clothes and with the moving into a tight space, I thought I
might as well do some cleaning now that I had the chance. I
decided to try every single one of my outfits on and decide
whether they are unwearable, in good condition or whatever
else. I had a lot of tank tops made of nice material which
I seemed not to be able to part with. I organized a bag for
those and I am to turn them into bandanas. It’ll take some
time and may not look too good, but I’ll probably just wear
it around the house anyway. Still, I’m saving the material.
(I hate to waste, anything.) Well I had about an hour and a
½ so I cleaned out my closet in about that time and made 3
Aldi sized bags for trash. (Full of clothes and hangers.)
Some I kept for inspiration to wear when I get skinnier.
Others I couldn’t quite part with or make into bandanas. So
I’ll see about them later.

I had to get ready again. I wore my new pants, and I
finally bought a new white under tank so I wore that, and I
was finally able to wear that golden see through turtle
neck with no sleeves. In accompany to that I wore my 70's
shirt. It looked cool in it’s own way. I thought, “Finally,
I remember. This is what I’m like!” I just told myself not
to care what others wear. I am my own person and I like
what I’m wearing now, so it shouldn’t matter later. I
agreed. Later, I took some lights cause Karoline asked for
me to. She wanted some strobe lights but I didn’t exactly
have that. (It worked one way or another.) We left soon.

When I arrived there were 4 people there besides me and
Karoline. Karoline’s best friend which has been in her
house since 5:00, one guy I met from when her best friend
drove us home after the performance of Grease, a chick and
a guy from Lane. All seniors. I remembered the chick since
one of her self portraits was hung in the art department
hallway and it looked exactly like her. I saw her in school
every now and then too. The guy was her boyfriend. I saw
him in R.O.T.C. but he was still in it, and I was out. I
didn’t care much for them anyway. They, like most couples,
kept to themselves. Which personally I consider very rude.
Especially when it is their friends Birthday party. I mean,
they came for her, not for each other. We assembled the
lights and about five minutes after that more people came
by. I new some of them from school, some of them from
snowball. Some I’ve never seen.

It was okay at first. I wanted to dance so bad. Just go on
the floor and do my thing. My solo thing that I always do.
But I didn’t. I didn’t know these people. Even though they
themselves were acting and dancing really freaky, I didn’t
do it. Eventually, I wouldn’t even dance unless someone
came up to me and provoked me to well enough. As time
passed I just wanted to go home. It was boring. Everyone
drank at least a little. I was the only exception. Everyone
as usual was surprised. I got a little mad at that. One
dude said as a joke that I’m supposed to be Polish. It’s so
sad that he thinks that. That that stereotype is so deeply
in we don’t try to resist it anymore.
Well, I didn’t wanna dance because everyone knew each other
more or less, and everyone had something to do. If they
weren’t dancing, they were drinking. The couples were also
very into themselves. Making out, cuddling up on the couch
constantly, and going off here and there to be alone. If
someone dragged me on to the dance floor, I didn’t stay
because they would soon leave and I would stand there alone
as I always do. This happened many times until I gave up on
the party. ( I guess it reminded me of my EX-friends. The
old gang and others that have left me. It is always like
that. I get pissed off when that happens. Sad, and
depressed as well. THEY evoke me to this relationship, they have
their fun with me, and as soon as something comes along and
they just leave and forget about me. How I will be.
So I leave. Eventually they come back and pick up another
to hang with them, or they get me. Or I just come along so
that our relationship won’t die when it already is.
Eventually she leaves again. I then give up on her. I feel
it is my turn to leave her. Leave everybody. Leave myself
and find who I am again. Maybe this time, when I will, if I
will, find myself, I will hang with a more respectful and
loyal crowd which will not abandon me.

That’s how I felt throughout half the party. I couldn’t
take it. I also didn’t wanna look like a loner so I went
here and there every once in a while to eventually end up
in the same room. Watching people dance. I’d just try to
change seats. Maybe strike up a conversation. I had the
most fun in the kitchen. I ate some ice cream and chatted.
Though I mainly listened, as that is more like me. I’d
follow around Karoline’s best friend Sabina, and the dude
she once drove along with Karoline and me, Eric. I
eventually noticed that they probably like each other since
they stated getting closer and closer. At the end she was
sitting in his lap, and they had their hands all over each
other. They’re cool and funny. Sabina laughs at my funny
entrances. Like when I come in and automatically say one of
these: Are you having a Merry Christmas? I agree! Exactly!
And such. There was actually a moment when I was sitting
down that I started thinking. (This is very bad when others
around you are having a blast!!!) I wanted to cry. I
realized why I wasn’t having any fun. I didn’t fit in. It
went so well for me all the way up to 4th grade. But in 5th
something happened and I just lost my social skills or
something. I longed for my best friend. And a party which I
sponsored, with all expenses made out very well, NO liquor
or other drugs, everyone in a party like mood, and most
importantly all friends. Good friends. No one would get
rejected there. I think that it is only in such an imagined
place that I may be wild, happy, free, and experience what
it is like to be without a leash, and myself in a normal
situation. How I long for that daydream to come true. Even
if Teresa were here she would not fit in. I doubt we would.
But at least there would be two of us. I don’t think it
would help so that greatly dreamed of party is what I need.
It was that moment when I was thinking about my best friend
that I wanted to cry. This wasn’t the first time this
happened to me on a joyous occasion, and I bet will not be
the last. I couldn’t wait until my mom would pick me up.
She did.

I ate some pizza there though that had pepperoni under the
cheese. I didn’t notice at first, and I swallowed a few
bites already. I got sad and mad and broken all at the same
time. I didn’t want that taste to come back to me. I
dreaded that taste now, and it was not pleasant. My mom
came soon though so as soon as I got home, I regurgitated
it into the toilet. It was kinda painful. It didn’t wanna
come out. But I made it. At least most of it.

I went to my room to finish up my closet and to take care
of some of my drawers too. (Hey, if I’m gonna do clothes,
might as well be al clothes. And while I’m doing the
drawers, I might as well do all drawers. Even the bottom,
the heaviest. Which is filled with memories and pointless
things which need to be dumped now. All my Cosmogirls are
in there.)
I took out a big garbage bag like thing stuffed with my old
teddy bears and other stuffed animals. I put them away to
avoid looking childish already. I couldn’t throw them away
then though. For each animal had a story to it. Now that I
think of it, every stuffed animal in that bag, except those
that didn’t belong to me, had a memory which was only
bitter now. One reminded me of Poland. Anything I see from
Poland reminds me of a great life I can never go to now.
For the past cannot return. The present has changed the
place so much, that I wish never to return. The memory is
evil. Other’s remind me of family and relatives which
neglected me and therefore lost me. And I them. One
reminded me of America. It symbolizes it for me cause it
was the first stuffed animal I have gotten that came from
America. I blame everything about the country that I hate
on that creature. Thank God I am getting rid of it. Other
things I’m getting rid of, are what I got on my communion,
(good-bye to my old religion for good,) gifts from parents,
(I’m ready to leave their care, and also despise them in a
way.) The only ones I left were those who reminded me of
Teresa. For she is the only one who has several figurines
and stuffed animals without a painfully dreadful memory
attached. The only one I kept was something I have mad
myself cherish when I was young. I think once I’m fully
ready to let that go, I’ll be fully ready to precede in
life and be myself. Finally. But that’s just symbolical,
and a way I can check if I am myself now or not. Am I peer
pressured or not. I can’t wait till I will be able to rid
myself of that creature.
Yet again, I cried. I tried to let it flow freely, but my
tears were shy to come just as I always am.

Now I am here. In some what of pain and distress. I don’t
like it but what can I do? I know that the only way to get
over whatever brain illness I have is to move out and be
with someone who cares. My best friend. I gotta live with
her when I move out. I know she will not leave me like
everyone else. She is the only one I can trust and the only
one I do trust. Only she can help me. When I’m out of my
rehabilitation I will know. I will then be able to live on
my own and stand on my own two feet. Just like a tree.
(Symbolically the tree position in Yoga. Very sturdy. No
matter what wind blows, the legs are planted in
deep, and the tree will not break)

Well, I’m gonna end it here. I didn’t even check once if I
forgot anything I wanted to put. But that’s okay. I think I
got my point across. I miss the only soul I can trust, my
sister. I’ve been writing in Word Perfect 9 for now.
Otherwise I’d be online for over 2 hours, and I’d be
getting kicked off. I don’t know if I’d be able to write
after the anger I get when I get kicked off, and I have to
start anew. I needed to write this. It took me an almost
complete 5 pages, not double spaced, with a 1" margin, and
12 font letters, to do, but I did it. Some stress and pain
of this day is gone. Thank the GODDESS!!!

-Amnesia