lindsay ann

somewhere in between
2002-04-14 03:01:35 (UTC)

what i really really want

ok, sorry, i've started using spice girls lyrics as
titles. waaaayyy too much marisa influence. haha.

well today i blew it once again. my mom and i were
talking, and she said she really wished i would tell her
how i felt about things. i said i did, but it usually
ended in her disagreeing with my feelings and leaving. so
yeah. i should have kept that in mind...

but we talked about me wanting to go to joshua (she said
that it's a waste). we talked about me not really caring
if my friends are doing stuff without calling me (she said
i am not concerned enough about being involved with
people). and then she asked if i get mad at my cam high
friends for doing stuff without me...and i said, "no, cuz i
was my mistake or choice or whatever you want to call it."
so once again i told her how i regret deciding to go to
oaks, and she told me she was really sorry that i felt that
way and she asked why i never told her that. umm ok, it's
not like i've tried to tell her that every week for uhhh
forever. oh wait.

anyway, i told her that i just wish i hadn't chosen to
leave cam...i realize i should have stuck it out. but
nooooo, i gave up on that like i do EVERYTHING else. and
now i'm at oaks for another year at least...and by senior
year, there's no point in transferring. arrrgh. i screw
myself over constantly.

if i went to cam high, everything would be different...my
mom wouldn't have to go back to work...i could get a
car...i'd have better grades...more time to work...more
stinking friends...i am just kicking myself right now.

ohhh and i forgot to mention that my mom got really upset,
and i realized later how evil it was of me to tell her i
didn't like oaks...cuz, duh, she's the one who's been
trying to give me freaking everything. grrr to me again.

on the bright side, here are a few lines from a song by
saves the day. ahh this is SO just EVERYTHING in the
world...like i totally uhhh know this feeling?
*********
i told you i didn't want my picture taken
but you snapped it anyway
now i guess you won't have trouble
remembering me someday

so I floored it and
swerved around the lanes
I kept wishing it were you
instead of me behind the wheel
so maybe with my camera I could steal
a shot of you and go home
to put it in my room
Maybe you'll never remember me