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2001-05-25 08:18:51 (UTC)

25/05/01 - 6:00pm

I am sitting here listening to Creed, which I shouldn't
because it always makes me sad, contemplating my life.

How did I screw this up so badly? What happened to those
ecstatic moments when I knew I was going to see my
boyfriend? Where are those high school days now? 6 years
later and I cannot wait til next weekend and I go
interstate and get 5 days of peace and quiet. What the hell
happened??? I am so upset, all the time and I hurt him
constantly. He wants to hold me, I am cooking dinner, he
wants to kiss me, I am trying to read a book, he wants to
make love, I am tired... I want so much for things to go
back to how they were, for us to be the happiest couple
anyone knew. No that is bullshit, we have always argued,
but we have always made up. Now I just don't care enough to
start the argument. If he comes home late, I am glad, I got
to watch what I want on tv. If a girl rings him and he takes
the call in another room, I give him shit about dating
other people. I just don't care anymore. It has taken me so
long to realise. And it fucking hurts. Apathy is the worst

But have my brother tell me his friend met someone on the
train? I go tothe toilets at work and cry... how did I fell
in love with someone 4 years younger, still a teenager for
Christ's sake? How did I get to the stage where I cry
myself to sleep over a fucking kid??? Where the fact that
he just wanted to get laid surprised me? How can I want him
over my caring boyfriend who just wants to build the world
as I want it? I know I complained just an hour or so ago
about his wanting to make a video, but his reasoning for
that was so that I won't have to be bothered with his
sexual needs when I don't want to... which is so apt, I
cannot be bothered. Yes I still enjoy sex, I just don't
enjoy it with him. I cannot remember the last time I wanted
to with him. Or the last time I enjoyed it with him without
pretending to be somewhere else with someone else. But I
cannot tell him that, it owuld hurt him too much. He knows
I have slept with other guys, I have told him, first time
vainly in the hope that it would force him to leave me, but
he still clung to me... the second time, I told him I
wanted to be with the other guy, thinking he cnnot want me
if he knows my heart is somewhere else... is he stupid?
Obsessed? Or just so in love me with nothing I say or do
matters. He will hurt inside and still want to be with me??

I am going so fucking insane... Every minute with him
makes me want to scream, but every time I try to leave, I
look at the hurt in his eyes and I feel so damn guilty at
all I have put him through, I just want to kill myself. How
could I be such a callous and uncaring person as to put
this genuinely nice guy (and his family, which I am pretty
much a part of) through this???

I know it is not all my fault... he started it when we were
first living together, about 5 years ago. He refused to get
a job after high school finished and I supported us,
because I worshipped the ground he walked on. Then he
finally got a job, and all of a sudden he wanted nothing to
do with me. He came home late, he didn't want to touch me
and I got suspicious. He went out without me, wouldn't let
me come. Weeks went by and he wouldn't talk about it. I was
miserable. Everything else in my life suffered. I had given
up all my friends from school, my decision I know, but he
didn't get along with them, and to be perfectly honest,
neither did I... so I suffered through it, I questioned him
we fought and fought and fought. So much has happened since
then, I have cheated, and cheated and he has lied and
lied... how can we have a future together??? Someone help
me please... what have I done? I hate myself so fucking
much... I knwo it is all my fault, everyone tells me I have
made this mess, I have to deal with it.

I know Rose... I know it is all up to me, and why would a
guy I love want me when I already have a guy??? Of course
he doesn't give a shit, I know.... but it doesn't stop it
fucking hurting does it??? Sorry I am not angry at my
friends, they have tried to putit all in perspective for
me. They tell me to just leave... to go and walk away. But
it is not that easy, they don't like my boyfriend, they
don't get along with him... they don't see that injured
look on his face when I try to leave. I know in the long
run I am making it worse by staying, every day it gets
harder and harder to go. I think I will just have to leave
one day while he is at work and not come back... but how
can I do that??? It would crush him. he threatens suicide
if I leave... what if he means it? What if it isn't an
empty threat????

Spiralling down and down here....


"Life's a bitch then you die"