What you never knew
2002-04-13 17:08:37 (UTC)

Bacon and Sausage Pizza

wow i have had so much time to think and alot is going on
in this crazy head of mine. last nite i got offline at
around 1 am and i layed in my bed for an hour just
thinking..probably longer than that. ya see i went to
matt's house yesterday. this time there was a moment tho
where i was actually scared. we had gone to pick his friend
steve up from work and give him a ride home. well, i let
steve sit in the front and i was standing half in half out
of the car trying to clean the seat off so i could sit
down. the next thing i know, matt starts driving away with
me hanging half in and half out of the car. i screamed and
he stopped. i hit him in the back of the head. i shouldnt
have done that but i was scared and i had twisted my knee.
the whole ride home i stayed in the back even tho steve was
already gone..and i didnt say one word to him. i still
didnt even say ne thing until we got into his basement. i
went and sat down in the computer chair and played with the
dog. he came over and asked me what was wrong and why i
wouldnt talk to him. i told him that i wasnt mad and that
he hurt me, and that he needs to be more careful. i mean
yea that was it but i couldnt help thinking..if i had been
sitting in the front and steve had been the one cleaning
the seat off...would he have still driven away...i think
not. that realization kinda hurt becuase it made me realize
that when matt is with his friends in the car..i take a
backseat literally and generally. i mean he just acts so
different with them and he tends to forget that im there. i
guess its okay it just hurt becuase i mean..he forgot i
wasnt in the car yet. i got over it tho and im fine now so
its okay. then later in the night we made out. it started
with me sitting on his lap facing him kinda thing but then
he layed me down and we took it from there. i didnt want to
go when it was time for me to leave. i wish i could have
stayed there forever with him. when i got home we had an
interesting conversation online. i mean lately i have been
thinking alot about the subject of sex and if i want to do
it at this age or wait until im older. ive decided that i
dont want to wait and if it happens it happens. things
last nite that happened at his house made me want it even
more. i mean i want him like ive never wanted ne one..and i
love him like ive never before. i head fits
perfectly on his shoulder..his arms fit perfectly around me
and when we kiss our lips mold together almost as if they
had once been one. so yea im thinking about this and i was
talking to him about it too. we both agree that if it
happens then it will and we just have to make sure we have
taken the proper precautions ahead of time so that it can
if it does. but yea i was thinking last nite and alot this
morning. im trying to just be sure that i am ready to make
this decision i mean, it is a very important one to make
becuase once its done..i am no longer a virgin. im not
saying that i am having second thoughts but im just
thinking about it. i guess i just want to make sure. plus i
mean i can tell just by the way that matt is when we are
making out that he wants it too and i dont want to leave
him hanging lol. im not doing this just becuase i think he
wants to its my decision too. i mean he didnt even say ne
thing about it until i brought it up. so if we do its all
my fault lol. gaah i feel so bad because im like,
corrupting him or somthing. i was also thinking tho that
the things i do with him now seperate me almost from all my
friends except melissa becuase shes not a virgin ne more. i
mean matt and i have done everything you can do except sex
and yea none of my friends have even gotten close to that.
so in a way it seperates me from them. and when matt and i
do it...well then the only person that i could truly relate
to would be melissa. and i would feel kinda weird around
all my other perfect little christian friends lol. but i
dont care im just thinking. haha then after that if kate
says shes been further than me with a guy....hahaha not
possible. shes one of those christians who dont do ne
thing. i mean im a christian but yea whatever lol. yea i
think im finally done here lol...peace.