Essie

ahoy hoy
Ad 2:
2002-04-13 09:47:54 (UTC)

Am I Screwed?

Hmm so where do I begin today was pretty lame, I
was supposed to go to Berkley today at 2:00, I had to meet
with Kim seals some assistant or something I don’t know what
her title is. Our appointment was at 1, and we didn’t
finish until like 2:15 so I missed the van that takes me
there, but after the meeting she had me meet with this
counselor and talk to her and stuff, I think they think am
depressed well I could be. I mean there are days were I
wake up and I don’t want to get up, I always call it
laziness, but I guess it could be more when I go to sleep
early and sleep the whole day because I wake up fatigued
even though I had like an 8 hour good night’s sleep. I
dunno maybe I am depressed, but if I am I don’t want to
bother people with it. I had my issues when I was younger
and in high school and I got trough them alone I didn’t want
to bug people with my issues and shit. I dunno lately I
really haven’t been feeling great. I try to put on a happy
face because I don’t like people to worry, even though I
really haven’t been happy. Ohh am so confused. I know that I
was really depressed starting from my last year middle
school and all throughout high school. I mean it was bad in
high school. I would be in bed all day feeling like shit for
no good reason, my mom just thought I was sick b/c I told
her I had a flu or something it worked great, some teachers
were concerned, but really didn’t do anything because I was
always on top of things and had ok grades never failed any
tests and stuff they didn’t really reach out or anything
they all believed that I was ill as in I had a cold or
something. Lets not even talk about my parents they were
oblivious to my bouts of depression, I guess that’s why I
can make myself believe that I’m fine, if I am in fact still
depressed. I dunno. I will admit that there are days were
I do get sad and I really don’t know why, and I try to
figure it out but I cant, and that makes me even sadder,
but they aren’t as regular like they were in high school
because I convince my self its ok, I haven cut myself in
months so that’s something. I think am pretty good. I
dunno. I don’t know. I just don’t want to admit to it if
I am, I was thinking about seeing a therapist during the
summer to evaluate me and see and maybe try to figure out
why I do get sad and tired even after having 8 or even 10
hours of sleep. I dunno. I guess I have to be honest with
myself, but damm it its hard. I really though I had gotten
over my depression when I got to college, but I guess it
didn’t, ( which totally sucks ass) .

I just don’t want to be a baby. I have never tried to seek
help when I was in high school and even my closest friends
didn’t know really, am sure they had their suspicions
because I did some dumb ass shit that would have gotten me
killed that they thought was me just being weird,( this
happened a lot in middle school, I cannot thank sara yucute
for getting me out of trouble and stopping me from doing
something stupid, she didn’t now what was going on but she
got me out of trouble she prob had her suspicions ) in
high school I mostly would sleep all day and not go to
school. And at school with my friends I would be cooky and
weird, and what can I say, happy even when I wasn’t, in
class I was really quite and I didn’t really like anyone
besides that people who rode the bus to school with me and
that was 4 people not counting me 2 of them were in a
different grade and two were in the same grade as me. They
didn’t know. I think I commented, on feeling not happy being
at school and how I would just stay at home am sure I
mentioned that I just couldn’t get up at all, but I think
she just didn’t pay attention or something or didn’t take it
seriously. Am hoping this is a fluke, but my sleeping is
seriously getting in my way and hurting me in certain
classes. Because I sleep soo much I notice that I focus
more on certain classes and exclude others because I have
not time. I don’t know I have another appointment on Monday
I hope it goes well. Am going to continue until the end of
the school year ( which is 3 more weeks or something like
that) and then find someone at home. Kim seem to think
that maybe medication will help, I don’t think I want
medication, I really don’t like taking it. Any kind from
cold medicine to antibiotics.
Well on a brighter note my b day is almost up 30th oh
yeah baby, gonna be 20. Cant wait till am 21 ( ^_^
heheheehe)

Well am tired of typing and I need to go to sleep.
tata


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