It smells like poop over here
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2002-04-13 07:33:12 (UTC)

times are changing, will i ever survive?

student rick is a poppy/punk/emo kinda rock dealy that are
on their way up. "monday morning" is the only song i really
like though.
my emotions are conflicting again. giulia was being such
a ho on tuesday, but it didn't really bother me, just sorta
rubbed me the wrong way, and i guess now im kinda over it.
over the past few days, we've been phyically fighting,
nothing serious, just hitting each other and stuff. she's
got bruises on both arms and both legs from last...saturday
we when wrestled in my yard. but anyway, like every few
minutes, i just wanna be wrestling with her, grab her
wrists, then just kiss her and let myself go until whatever
happens. if we stop, fine, if we don't, even better. not
cause im horny as hell, im just...tired of being a 19 year
old virgin, and as long as it's her first time too, i can't
be "bad". that, and she's just a great person, a person ill
remember forever, so i might as well (sounds like im just
saying 'what the fuck, let's get it on' but this is more
magical than that) remember her for losing my virginity too
her as well.
but, she "wants to wait till she's married", if that
holds any truth, which it might not according to kate,
because she told kate she was gonna have my babies, but
giulia told me she didnt' want kids. but back to the first
subject. everyone teases me for hanging out with her all
the time, and jokes around for us "going on" even though
we're not. but i hang out with her because she's really
cool, funny, a great person, and i think i have a major
crush or im in love with her or something. i always deny us
goin out and say we won't because of what my other friends
think. i think giulia is really attractive (she knows she
is, which is kind of a turn off to me when girls know or
think they're hot) but no one else seems
some "friends" say she doesn't have the looks of a girl
that id go out with, whatever that means. i think i wanna
go out with her, but i don't want a relationship. i just
wanna do what we do now hang out and have fun. but with a
twist, physical friends i guess you could say. i suppose
that's what every guy wants, and im not any different. it's
just my own insecurity of what my friends think that keep
me from going out with her. i wouldn't want her to date
anyone but me, but i don't want to be obligated. i guess im
no different. it's all my fuckin insecurity, which i should
stand up to, but that's why it's an insecurity, because im
scared of it.

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