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2002-04-13 07:16:05 (UTC)

being home and feeling fucked up anc crazy

well i am home. the doctor at the mental hospitle did not
think that i needed to be there and since my mom was
willing to take me home they let me leave. i am so happy
not to be threre. i was only there one night and i cryed
myself to sleep. they only let me have one phone call a
day. and when you make it they stand next to you to listen
and make sure that your only calling your parents and thats
it. so i am sorry for everyone for not calling. my mom had
my phones taken away in the hospitle and in the other
hospitle i could not call you. once my mom lets me i will
call you all. starting with rosie. i think. if she wants to
talk to me that is. i hated the people and the way that
they treat you. i do not see how being there helps anyone.
seeing the doctors is good but everything else is not fun.

i feel really really bad about what i did. i am scared to
talk to my family and friends for fear of what they have to
say. i e-mailed rosie, kelly and tony to tell that i was
home and that i was sorry. i have been such a selfish,
stuburn drama queen. i mean even if i had asked for help or
expressed a problem i am sure they would all have taken it
for complaning on my part. i am so ashamed and i really
don't know what to say to everyone except for that i am
sorry. i am so sorry an i don't think that i will ever to
make up to them for how huch i am sure that i hurt them.

i really missed my friends whol in the hospitle. i miss
rosie. through EVERYTHING she has been somone that i could
talk to. i think that she is going to hate me. god i hope
that she does not. i have not seen kelly in a couple of
weeks so i miss her too. i know she will still love me. i
could kill someone and she would love me. i think that it
is the same with rosie but as far as this situation goes
rosie was so much more involved than kelly ever would be. i
miss tony too although i do not know if he miss me. i don't
know what to do about him. i know that no matter what i
want to be his friend but as far as more, i don't know. i
am not sure that he is with me because he loves and cares
about me or because he is worried that i will have another
mental break down with out him. i won't. i would rathere
not be with him if he is not sure that he wants to be with
me. i have a feeling that he is going to say that he would
rather not be with me. that makes me really sad because i
really do love him and i want to be with him but unless he
wants it it is no good. and it is not going to help me and
it will hinder him from other relationships. enought about

i talked to eric tonight. on the internet. he is mad at me
for doing what i did but none the less it was really nice
to talk to someone. then i was feeling really sad thingking
about everything so he came over and gave me a hug and
left. that was really nice of him to do. he came over to
just give me a hug and then leave right away. rosie is so
lucky to have suck a nice boyfriend. i am lucky to have
suck a good friend. i was stupid for taking them for
granted. i should have apreshiated them more and being more
willing to use what they have to offer in terms of help.

oh yeah, help, i am going to have to see a bunch of
counslers and i have to get a bood test on monday. i may
have to go by myself because my mom may have to work.
probably not but maybe. that will be fun. i hate needles.
and getting blood drawn and being in hospitles.

i am scared. i am scared of being alone. of having no
friends of things that are crazy. god i hope that things
can get better now. i know that they say that it gets worse
before it gets better. i really do not see how it could be
any worse. i mean i could be dead but then i would have
nothing to work with.

again, i am so sorry everyone and anything that you have to
say to me please tell me. i am sure that you are all right.
and i deserve to hear anything you have to say. please
don't hold back. i am so sorry. i love you all even thought
i really did not show that at all. i hope that one day u
can forgive me. i wish i had not done it and i wish that i
would make things better but i don't know how. let me know
if you have any sugestions for me regarding anything. i am
open to options and any ways to be ab better person and not
annoy the shit out of everyone.
i really am sorry