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2002-04-13 05:30:51 (UTC)

headaches and conan

strip bars every friday nite..

ummm yeah.. its 1 am, went to akron with laura, had a drink and some smokes, some strip bars going on, gn'r on the cd player there and back, good times, tried the sky blue vodka, taste just like smirnoff ice.....theres some hot girls that dance there, its fun times...and free for us to get in.

tessa, my ex girlfriend.....

so i was talking to this girl online and on the phone and writing letters for a while and we started hanging out alot, we were going out and it was cool, we kissed and cuddled and held hands and i miss holding her but too bad, cuz she broke up with me cuz she thinks she is just hurting me with all her problems and shit, lots of drugs and guys and thats fine cuz if shes going to be so chemically dependent on a drug that if she doesnt get a fix shell treat me like shit, fuck her.. i dont need that... i really liked her and i know she liked me but i guess its for the better.. there would be more negative than positve out of it anyways, we talked for a while , only went out for 3 weeks though, but it was cool cuz she was my first girlfriend, and we cuddled and now its all of a sudden over, im sick of me getting crushes on girls and then let down constanlty....... i dont get it, i know that i deserve better, emotionally, i know i am pretty and cute and all that shit so why is it so hard for me to find a girl that is cute, has stuff in common with me, has fun with me and likes to cuddle??? its not like im asking for much, just someone to like me as much as i like them and more.....

heres what else is new:
natalies baby shower is tomorow, shes 7 months pregnet now, i know my mom is trying hard to do the right thing and help her out cuz her parents are assholes and its her grandchild, but i still get mad when they are together, cuz me and my mom are close, and its not like shes her daughter...i just get sad sometimes...i feel replaced ... i know that my eating disorder triggerd after she moved in, i think subconsciuosly i felt ignored and wanted attention so becoming 96 lbs would get my mom to notice me, it sounds dumb but i think alot of the whole control issue has to do with not feeling apart of someone, its frustrating, i dont hate natalie, and i know my mom doesnt mean for me to feel like this, shes going through alot, i just get jealous sometimes..
im going to nyc in 2 weeks... kinda nervous, but itll be fun.. i want to travel while im young, have lots of fun, no rules...just go wherever i want whenever i want, drink, get tattoos,lap dances, anything but settle down and be boring.. we are going to some vegeterian restruants there, punk stores, tons of hello kitty stuff, im getting a spider web tattoo on my right elbow, going to china town, and looking at all the sites and where the world trade center blew up, our hotel is across from broadway, itll be good times....