Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-04-13 05:26:28 (UTC)

Winding Down...

*sigh*

Had a long long long long talk with my family. Told them
about the baby situation and I had to ask them for a loan.
I feel like shit. Im such a fuck up and I know it. I havnt
succeeded in anything, despite what people think. Its
depressing. I cant kill myself tho. I just have to deal
with what happens in my life and hope one day things will
be better. My mom says I need to go to an urgent care
center tomorrow and have them look at me because she says
Im seriously jeopardizing my health by not having a doctor
take care of the dead baby. One more thing to deal with
tonmorrow. No job yet. I am in such a dark pit and despite
what people say, I cant see it getting better. The only
bright thing in my life is my boyfriend. Tuesday night I
had a weird dream. He proposed to me in front of alot of
people. It was such a romantic and special night in my
dream. I dont want to get married or anything right now, Im
way too young and not ready. But anyway, I love him and
need him and cant imagine killing myself because I would
never get to be with him ever again and that depresses me.
Of course thats not my only reason but it helps. I do not
like myself right now. I want to curl up in a ball and
sleep. I have alot to deal with in the morning plus I need
to explain things to my boyfriend. I didnt lie to him but
it seems that way. I hope he doesnt hate me. I did start to
organize my parents basement.... That was before things
went nuts. I feel so awful and helpless. And Im sick and
now Im scared because of things my mother told me about my
health and she is a nurse. Im going to bed. Im emotionally
exhausted and need to get up early.


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