Sarah's Secrets
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2001-05-24 21:09:34 (UTC)



4:49 P.M

This whole day was shit. I can't believe I made it through
without killing someone. Maria, Jen, Lindsay, Meghan,
Amanda and Eden were cracking up jokes about me again,
right infront of me. I started to cry, and Jen noticed. She
told me to ignore them. I said "that's what I'm doing! I'm
ignoring you!" She asked why I was ignoring her, and I said
because she was laughing to. She just sortof shrugged her
shoulders and said she was only laughing because she had
the giggles. It still didn't matter though. She told Maria
and Amanda how I felt, and they stopped laughing and making
jokes of me too, but Eden, Lindsay, and Meghan just kept on
going. Since they all sit near me, Eden pretended she
wanted to borrow my ruler, and I ignored her, she kept on
calling my name, on and on and on again and again and
again. She was throwing things at me and stuff, and the
rest of the class noticed. They were so nice and
supportive. They all gave shit to Meghan and Eden and
Lindsay. But those three don't care. I know that tomorrow
will just be another day of constant nagging. I came home
in an awful mood. I was really figesty and angry, so I
figured if I put myself to work, my problem would be gone.
I got out the lawn mower, and started to work. The roar of
the engine and the vibration in the handle bars was making
me worse and worse, angrier, more confused, and less sane.
less... and less... a nd les s... a n d l e s s. . .
. . .

until I had to empty the grass thingy because it was full.
I did this very aggressively, and then went to start the
mower again. I pulled hard and hard and hard, and couldn't
get the fucking thing to work. I kicked it and tossed it
around, and beat it. Once I realised it wasn't feeling any
pain, I ran into the house, ran up the stairs, into the
bathroom, and turned the knobs of the bathtub. I wasn't
about to wait around for the thing to fill up, so I jumped
in, clothes and all. I kneeled there, in the bathtub,
clothes on, and just cried. I stood, and walked into the
shower. I peeled my wet clothes off, put them temporarily
into the corner of my stand up shower, and took a long
peaceful shower. Then I put my wet clothes in the washing
machine so my mom wouldn't suspect anything. She's still at
work so I'm safe. I can't go on like this. If I do, I
really will get physical. I guess I already am... The only
thing that's keeping me sane is horses. I can't wait to go
riding this weekend. on sunday, at captiva, we're expecting
60 people to come on a trail ride, unless they cancel or
something. They're cadets. I'm not sure what that is. Isn't
it an astronaut?? Or is it like being a brownie or a girl
guide? Oh well. The point is, there's 60 of them. So
instead of going on saturday, I'll go on sunday and help
out. But it means I'll have to miss my riding lesson sunday
morning. That's ok though, because it's only a flat class.
Well, I'd better go get the other half of my sanity back.

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