Absinthe Inspired Ramblings...
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2002-04-11 02:37:30 (UTC)


Okay, today has been a silly day, a happy day, a long day,
now it's become a thinking day. I'm a little hesitant to
write in here right now because now I know people read it.
But it is public, and I did give a few people the address,
so I guess it's my fault. Besides, if I can't be honest,
then what can I be? I was very perky and happy earlier and
I don't know what happened. Suddenly I have no energy. I
feel like someone pulled the plug on me and now I have to
struggle to live. Well, that's kind of morbid, isn't it? Oh
well. I think I see what Zack means by "sudden depression."
I feel like I’m running and running but not getting
anywhere. I'm worried about Alia, she's pushing herself way
too hard and she's going to burn out very soon. She's been
sick lately. It hurts me to see her like this. It's
like "if Alia's not happy something is seriously wrong in
the world." She’s always happy and perky, but lately she's
been really quite and reserved. I don't like being happy
around her because it makes me feel bad. It's the same
thing with Jessica. Like today I was told to sing soprano,
which I should be really happy about (because I've been
bugging Mrs. A to let me for half of the year) but I can't
be because Jessi's not. I feel like I have a huge hand on
top of me pushing down and smashing me and I’m trying to
stay standing, but my body is slowly being smashed down to
the floor. Where'd the happiness go? I want it back! I
don't like being sad. Right now, even thought there's
absolutely no reason for it, I just want to let the tears
start running down my face. I don't know what's wrong with
me. I can feel them welling up in my eyes. I feel like
stuff doesn't matter anymore, but its weird cuz I didn't
feel like that earlier today. I’m falling apart. I dunno,
maybe Tori's not helping. These lyrics are depressing. I
think I want to go lie down and sleep, but I don't really
have much of a place to do that. My bedroom still isn't
finished. Plus, I’m afraid if I go to sleep I won't wake
up. What if I didn't, would that be all that bad? I
wouldn't have to deal with all of this school crap anymore.
I wouldn't have to deal with my mother seeing me as an
incredible disappointment. All she sees me as is a heathen,
a slut and a failure. I can never please her; no matter how
hard I try. "Why do we crucify ourselves, every day,
nothing I do is good enough for you" She's mad at me
because I haven't gone to get my license yet and she still
has to drive me places. Doesn’t she understand that I’m
scared? I hate driving! I’m so afraid that I’m going to get
into an accident and die. Or worse, I'm afraid that I’ll
kill the people who are in the car with me. Zack had me
drive home from Starbucks today. I really wasn't too keen
on the idea, but I did it because he wanted me to. I was
really afraid that I was going to suck and that he was
going to laugh at me or that I was going to screw up his
car. When I got home from school, I decided to wash my car
9 cuz Zack wanted to see it and it was filthy) but I had to
pull it into the driveway first. That was a feat! (My car
is a '65 Chevy II Nova with no power steering; it needs to
be aligned too). It took me like 5 minutes to get it up
there. I don't know what the hell I did wrong, but yea,
eventually I got it in. But after we got back, I had to
move it back, that was even harder. My dad was getting all
frustrated with me. I love to ride in it, and I like
looking at it, but I HATE driving it! Errrr.... I’m never
going to get my license. This is making me really sad. I
feel really stupid, like I should know how to do all of
this already. But I don't so I’m mad. Okay, I’m going to go
and attempt to learn this song (And So It Goes by Billy
Joel). Maybe that'll make me feel better. I've learned
that singing is my escape from the world. So yea, I’m going
to sing until I feel better. Then I can come back and write
more. Later.