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2001-05-24 05:17:07 (UTC)

What's up: condensed version

all these doctors i have been having to go see and all seem
to always look at my past and my history and all that jazz
to figure out why i am so messed in the head. so since no
one knows better than i do (i suppose) about me, i am gonna
write about me. condensed. i am just gonna write and go
with the flow of conscience.
i had a pretty normal childhood i guess. wasn't deprived
or anything (except maybe a 'normal family'). my parents
aren't divorced or anything, they are just strict (ungodly
strict) and.... strange i guess. i kinda wonder how they
even got together somtimes. but anyway, had 6 kids, i am
number 4. The names: katie, tes, beckie, me, susie,
mandie. my parents had a vision for every single one of us
to be perfect. absolutely perfect, and they did everything
in their power to achieve this and force it into our minds
that we would be perfect. (i kinda also think that my mom
had this idea of the kids doing alllll the house stuff for
her so that she could watch soaps, but that is a shaky
theory and has nothing to do with what i am talking about.)
i guess i'm making the life story a short story. sixth
grade was my worst grade school year. yes, i was a nerd, i
always got nailed with all the insults and jokes, but the
whole self-esteem thing was never an issue. i always felt
fine about myself.... well... most of the time. that is,
every now and then, i would randomly feel like it didn't
all matter, like i was useless, and then would think up
some plan to rid of myself. i tried to follow through once
that year. I took a knife from my mom's knife drawer and
tried to nail my heart with it (i never would have
succeeded, i wasn't strong enough), but my sister beckie
caught me doing it and restrained me. she told my mom, and
i remember that i subsequently got a 4 hour lecture on what
a dumb thing that was to do and how 'low' and 'un-perfect'
my thinking was to try to do that. my dad never said
anything. i'm not even sure he remembers it.
high school was good in that it was a new start. no one
new me -- allllll new people. so i got to start over again
and shed of my nerdiness (well, in a sense i shed it, but
it always sticks around). I was always always always very
very very energetic in high school. i was able to take
obscene numbers of classes and do an obscene number of
activities on 3 hours of sleep and still function
normally. it became a way of life almost. i always had to
be busy doing something. i couldn't stand not being busy.
it drove my parents nutty. they worried sick that i was
gonna fall asleep driving or something because i was so
worn out -- but i wasn't worn out. I just kept going, and
never thought anything of it. Except every now and again,
I would crash -- not because i was tired though. I would
crash and never want to start back up. I would want it all
to end (kinda like in grade school i guess). No biggy. It
was a cycle, I got used to it. The energy was well worth
the days or week of feeling like shit.
Socially, high school was kicking. I met my now best
friend steve there. His g/f for most of the time was
gretchen, and they are interesting to say the least. they
just can't (and STILL can't) figure out where they are at.
gretchen's best friend is christa, and she had a huge crush
on me when we met soph year. i denied her, then liked her,
then i was denied, and it went back and forth and back and
forth (very much love/hate) until we FINALLY somewhat got
on the same page over last summer and dated. But then we
went to college and it got ugly. But then we got back
together. Now we are exclusive (and still together) and
stuff is going awesome :) although she is kinda far
away.... but i am really glad to be with her.
onto college: interesting. i met more great people --
jim is my best bud at college, ben is another bud, they are
both my suitemates for next year. my best gal friend is
ann. she plays a role, i'll explain later:
so, i had an obsessive girlfriend first semester,
laurie. i was in an obsessive relationship in high school
(i didn't mention it, her name was kelly), but this was
obsessive X 10, and i didn't get out in enough time. i was
locked. she figured it out that i am bipolar. except i
was not bipolar like in high school. i could manage high
school without a problem. but for some reason in college
it all accelerated. it cycled a lot quicker. laurie
thought she knew how to help, but all she really did was
shove a shrink form in front of my face all the time and
try to compete with me with whose life is worse -- mine or
hers. stupid. i don't play games like that. needless to
say, i am now out of that relationship, but unfortunately
not out of being screwed in the head.
with the kind help of ann, who is depressed and has been
dealing with it for quite some time, i got into a shrink
and a psychiatrist. now i am on lithium. i had to tell my
parents (who seemingly forgot about the isolated incident
before). jim found out about it, ann obviously knows,
steve knows but i have since convinced him that i am ok,
and christa knows. thats it. i mask myslef for everyone
else. so thats at least a background. this kinda proves
to myself that nothing directly "causes" my mood swinging.
it just happens. it sucks. lucky me, i am happy now. but
it sucks going to bed every night, not knowing how i will
wake up. i guess thats what meds are for, but how much
does it suck to take chemicals so that i can be morphed
into this person that is not me. blah i hate life. but
this is the non-hateful condensed version so maybe my
shrink can check it out and try to figure something out.
bis bald...