not set

24/05/01 - 1:16PM

I have wanted a diary again for so long. I used to write
religiously, every day in my colourful books. Then I found
they weren't as private as I thought. My hateful step
family members had been leaving me messages written below
my deepest fears, secrets and hopes. So I burnt my diaries.
It hurt so much that everyone knew all about me. I was a
very private teenager.

I was 16 then, and I burnt 2 years worth of notes, poems,
messages and hopes. I regret it now, it seems so
insignificant that those worthless people should know me. I
do however still have everything from when I was 12 to when
I was 14. Every heartache, every teen angst ridden entry,
all documented in my nice neat handwriting. I know my
current boyfriend flicked through them one day, he got
upset at a lot of things. So what? I never meant for anyone
to read them. I hurt myself with a lot of the things I said
about people I love, in my private moments. But each word
is a piece of me and I still love myself to a certain
degree.

Every mention of hating my weight, wanting to get drunk,
wishing I had a boyfriend, they are all a part of me.
Reading over them once in a while, I find a friend I have
lost and it brings back warm memories of the occasional
happy times I experienced. And I know now, those happy
moments did exist, the ones without alcohol, the ones
without a guy. Those special times when you are young and
with your dearest friends.

I was watching TV last night, a show called Ed. In a scene
where an overweight teacher tries to instil confidence in a
young unattractive girl who wants to be in a school play,
she tells her that people who have things come easily to
them don't appreciate them and don't get as much out of
life. She tells the poor young thing that it is better to
have to work at things. The girl looks at her and says I
would rather have an easy life and not appreciate it.

I felt the same way when I was a teenager... things never
came easily to me. Well studying did, but what teenager is
thankful for words and diagrams and puzzles when their
friends are kissing guys? I certainly wasn't.

Anyway, I don't know why I am still writing, I better get
back to work.

Denni

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"Never criticise someone til you have walked a mile in
their shoes. Then you are a mile away and have their shoes."