Mirror's Infinity
2001-05-24 02:34:10 (UTC)

The Fall

I went to uptown last night... and had the worst time ever
I think. I visited a deep dark lonely place that I thought
I would never be in again. I felt
hurt...ignored...invisible...and not wanted. I knew it
would come eventually..and so it has. Missa I guess gave
me the answer I already knew...bluntly she tells me that it
will never happen with Marc and I. That hurt. Hurt alot.
Probably will for a awhile...but it is what I wanted to
hear..but not from her.. I wanted Marc to tell me that...
it would help me move on. Also, she was mad cause I only
seem to be there for Marc lately...like she has never been
there...she lets Marc walk all over her most of the time..
why? Cause she loves him...I don't mean like
girlfriend/boyfrien.. but loves him. I think it would be
inappropriate to use those words in my case.. I only have
really known Marc (and the rest) for the last year. Marc
can be incredibly childish sometimes...especially when he
isn't getting his way. I don't blame him..its just his
way. And the group in general has a slightly tilted value
system from me. Not bad or anything..just different...but
the thing that really bugs me sometimes when I go out with
them..is that I always feel like the outsider...I didn't go
to highschool with them.. but I want to be close to them..
I want to have close friends..I want them to wonder where I
am and what I am doing when I am not around...I want them
to think of me when making plans for something..instead of
me coming into last second. I want them to call me...and
to feel that I am something special in their lives. I dont
feel that way most of the time... I feel like I am just
there for some other reason.. a stranger allowed to
observed their happy little lives for a few brief
instants...I just feel apart from them.. and I dont want
to..I dont want to be the outsider. I want to have fond
memories with them. I want to be able to say they are my
best friends. But I can't force it.. I dont want to seem
like some pathetic individual just begging for some scraps
of attention that they toss out to me. With the amount of
time I have been there this last week this is how I feel..
I wish I could trust that they will tell me honestly, and
carefully if I am crossing some unseen boundary in their
lives... but more I often I believe they will let me cross
it.. and be secretly pissed at me for being so insensitive
to not get the 'hints'. Damn it.. I deserve honesty.. not
some sort of politeness game that end up betraying my trust
and faith more than them being straight up with me. Marc
probably wont work out with me....I get the feeling he
thinks of me like he did Ryan.. and he is saying all this
stuff about how annoying I am or how he wishes I would
leave him alone when I am not around. That thought cuts
pretty deep. If you could do one thing to me that would
rip out my heart..its to not be honest with me. I demand
it from people close to me.. especially when it hurts.
Drew he doesn't want honesty...not really.. cause the truth
hurts..so to save him some pain for now... I don't tell him
all my thoughts.. all my feelings...all my pain lately.
But it shows.. and comes out ugly sometimes. I need to be
above it. Love myself first...be happy with myself
first... and then if people want to get to know me I will
have a solid foundation to work with. I hope I get things
worked out with Missa, Marc, Chris and Josh though.. I hate
feeling this way...I hate being alone in a crowd.