cutch12

The ups and downs
2001-05-24 01:27:04 (UTC)

May 21, 2001

Hm..... I read lindsey's pysch paper today. I felt
horrible because it said things about what I did to her w/
Karly last year. The worst thing out of it all is that I
know exactly how she feels. She is putting me through the
same thing right now. I said I was going to make it up to
her, so Today I went to Halmark and bought some things and
some cards, I am going to give her one each day of this
week to show her that I still care about her and that I
never meant to hurt her like that. I know that I am going
to watch what I am doing to people from now on because
things turn right around quickly and the people that
supposively care about you the most quickly don't care at
all. She doesn't even see what she is doing to me right
now. She is so wrapped up in Tristan that she doesnt even
realize that it's the little things that are hurting me.
Its the laughing, the inside jokes, her just always WANTING
to me around me, now i feel like she dreads every second
when she is near me. I figured out that I am not even
going to say anything anymore, and maybe if she see's that
I don't care than maybe she will realize something. But i
dont think that will work, that sorta made no sense. But no
one understand what I am going through each day, the things
I have been through w/ lindsey I will never forget, I dont
think I can ever forgive her for what she did. She
probably doesnt even care. I mean she was the shoulder I
went to during a time that I needed her most. I sat there
and told her things i would never imagine telling anyone
else, and all she could do was swear on our friendship
about something and than go and do they opposite of what
she promised.... lies , and more lies...... I don't know
where they came from, it just wasn't lindsey. I mean, she
meets a guy for what....... a couple weeks and than chooses
him over a friendship that meant more to her than anyhting,
or did it mean that much? was she lieing just to be nice or
did I really mean something to her? Tristan lied to her
sooo much, there are still things that I know right now
that I really want to tell her that I just cant because I
don't want to go through it all over again. I never lied
to lindsey, tristan is an ass. I will swear on my life that
everything i told her was the truth, all those
conversations were the truth, i never changed a damn word.
That kid ruined my life for these last 5 months, and the
damage that has been done will never be repaired. How could
she have listened to him and go against me like that?
Could it have hurt her to just say to him "megan is my best
friend, She acutally means something to me" instead of
letting him put things in her mind. I read an email that
he wrote her when it was all happneing and he wrote "you
said so yourself, megan does this w/ all your boyfriends."
So what, did she just sit there and tell him bad things
about me? I thought that me and lindsey had a very special
bond, a bond that nobody knew about, noone had w/ anyone
and it was just something between us. We know what each
others thinking at all times and we have a connection. I
love life when things are good between us. Not a day goes
by that I don't think about the days at school where I was
crying so hard and lindsey would hug me and say, "this is
enough, its not worth it, hes already comign between us and
its only been a month" and than she would say "i swear on
our friendship that I wont talk to him." That didn't
happen, instead she choose him and didn't talk to me for 5
months. She didn't show one sign that it hurt her not
talkin to me either. I doubt she even cried about it at
all. Me..... I cried every night. I cried myself to sleep
everynight wondering how someone that always seemed like
the most perfect person on earth could hurt me like that.
Even every night I would take up to 8 pills at a time, I
didn't even know what I was takin, just whatever in the
cupboard. I didn't want to live. my 3 best friends jaclyn ,
janel and lindsey were all against me. What was there to
live for. Honestly if I didn't have my senior yr. of
bastketball, I would have killed myself in an instant.
Thats how bad it was. Its the weirdest thing to live for..
basketball.. but its what I thought about when I would try
to think of why I should live any longer. I didnt want to
go to school and look at lindsey, i would want to cry , i
didnt want to come online and see her SN. So i had her
blocked for a while. I mean, suicide is a big thing and I
never thought I would seriously turn to that. I dont think
lindsey beleives me when i tell her about it. I think she
probably thinks I just want attention. But its for real. I
dont do it anymore, but it got bad, one night during spring
break i woke up throwing up and blacking out i went to the
doc. and my blood pressure was dropping. I was ok. But I
still don't really feel good sometimes, I think I fucked up
my body. I was depressed. She still is my most trustworthy
friend, its weird because even through all of this, I still
think i could trust her with my life. But enough of this, I
think she knows now, or after this week that I wont any
longer do anythign to hurt her, and I just wish she would
stop hurting me, or realize that she is at least.

love,
megan




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