The ups and downs
2001-05-24 01:06:58 (UTC)

May 20, 2001

This is my first day writing in this thingy. I hate
writing so thats why I never write in my normal journal. I
like typing better. This way, no one can find it either.
So much has happened to me this year, i wish I would have
started writing sooner. This has absolutley been the worst
year of my life. I lost my best friend in a way that I can
never explain. Tonight I went to Lindsey's Spring Show.
It was horrible. I loved sitting there watching her, It
brought in instant smile to my face, and just the feeling
of when Lauren and Jenny got there they jumped up and
wanted to sit by me. I miss bein stupid to her dance
friends. But that meant something to me, just how her
close friends and I talk and got a chance to catch up, it
was a great feeling. I think I almost forgot how amazing
lindsey is at dance, she is going to go so far, no matter
what anyone says. I have total confidence in her :)
During that whole day Lindsey was so nice to me, but I
don't know if it was just because she needed me to bring
the costume that she leant Renee. Maybe she cared if I
came just because I had to bring that. The end of the show
came, I waited for her, I had a book on quotes and a card
(of which I never gave her) to give her. She didn't even
notice me standing there until I hit her on the head w/ the
program. Then she hugged me and said thanks for coming !
which mean a lot to me because I needed a hug from her. It
was something that I missed. But than I said "oh, you did
great" and things like that. Lauren than said "ok, lets go
find tristy" and they started walkin away from me. So that
sort of upset me. Because I was remembering a year back
from that, that after the show linds didn't leave my side,
me , her and renee all went to big boy after and I took her
home. It's all so different now, it used to mean so much to
her if I was there, now it doesnt even matter, all she
cares about is if tristan was there. I tried bringing this
up to her lightly to see what she would say and she said
that I wasn't talking to her. which I know she said to just
turn it around on me, i dont know why though, she knows
that something like that would bother me. She knows that
if she was in my position that it WOULD BOTHER HER TOO.
But I guess I am just gonna shut up and not argue because
she said our friendship was really bad from fighting, so I
have to put on a great show and act like I am happy.