jallure

remembering sad memories

i remember a time in my life where everything seemed to
bother me, where i hated everyone and anything for no
particular reason. it was as if i saw through everyone and
no matter what they were willing to do for me, what they
DID do for me, i saw through them... i saw through they
front and i found a reason to dislike them. my family
played victim during this time in my life... i now feel
ashamed that i was this way. i remember... a day were
everything went wrong, or at least seemed like it did.
that day my brother was getting on my nerves, making fun of
me, yelling at me, and i had had enough...

i found myself sitting in the floor of my parents room with
they key to the safe in my hand. when i finally stopped
crying enough to see straight... i unlock and opened the
safe... i took it out... looked at it... even took it out
of its holder-thing. i was ready to committ the greateset
sin of sins... i wanted to day that day, or at least i
thought i did. i held the 9mm and i cried a little more...
as i held it up, to my head... i thought pathetic, self-
pity-thoughts...

"they will be sorry when they find me dea and they'll all
wish they could have changed something..."

just then, my brother saved my life... he pounded on the
door and i accumulated too much fear to pull the trigger.

its ironic how someone that is the reason for you wanting
to end your life can also be the one to save it.

i was just thinking about this... for some strange
reason... it popped into my head...this was when i was
about 13 years old... maybe younger... it was during "MY
GREAT DEPRESSION"...

its funny because i read peoples diaries; like insensitive
kitty and crynevercries and it is as though i am reading my
life in the past... not in everyway... but as they said
they turned to online, to a keyboard and screen in their
times of depression and saddness... i remember doing the
same.

back when i was online appox. 8-10 hours a day during the
school week and appox. 12-14 hours on weekends, i was in a
state of physical depression and being in this fantasy
world of internet, it seemed as though you have no limits,
for no one truely will ever know your complete truth, if
you did not want them to know.

i use to cry when someone else would make me get offline so
they could get on... i was high and online was my drug...
isn't that strange? things change..

now im online no more than an hour a day... sometimes more
but more so, ONLY now because i enjoy reading others public
diaries...but there are times i do not get online for days
and weeks.

odd how a damn computer can take over your life...

well that all for now... it was just thoughts and memories
i felt like sharing...

p.s.

i enjoy feedback as well... and i often send it to people.