Yellow Angel

May 23, 2001

GGGGRRRRRRRR! I can't fucking deal with this shit
anymore. All they do is bitch bitch bitch. I don't think
there is ever anything that comes out of their mouths
unless they are yelling at us. I want fucking out of this
house. They tell me to get out and then I say fine and
then they scream at me for that too. I mean seriously
what the fuck? I am so fucking aggravated with all their
fucking bull shit. They are the one's that wanted to
remodel the fucking house not me, so why the fuck do I have
to clean up their fucking mess so people can come in and
paint? It's not my fucking house, and it's not my mess,
and I don't care what it looks like! I hate living here.
I hate living at all. I don't know why I just can't get in
a fucking accident or something. All these innocent people
get killed in accidents and then me, someone who wants to
die, is going ot live for fucking ever. All I want is
everything to end, and be done with. I can't fucking deal
with ANYTHING. I am going CRAZY!!!! Someone jsut fucking
shoot me please...come to my house and blow my fucking head
off and I'd be happy...GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
I'm so sad and all I want is for everything to just
end...that's all I want...

I asked Evan today if he knew that I would never hurt him
and he was like you couldn't hurt me I'm too strong
physically and emotionally. That was kind of a hint to him
that I don't think I'm going to be around much longer but I
don't think he took it that way. We ended up going back
and forth about how some day I am going to be able to kick
his ass. LOL..maybe that'll happen :) I don't know, I
don't think I'll be alive long enough for that. I wish
people could see how sad I am. No one ever sees and if
they do they thinks it's for attention...It use to be like
2 years ago, but not anymore. Not at all. I don't want
anyone to worry about me, but I want help and I can't ask
for it. I'm too afraid to ask for it. I don't know what
to do. I'm soo afraid that I'm going to hurt people, and I
don't want to hurt anyone but I can't ask for help. I
don't have any clue of what to do anymore. I just keep
pushing people futher and futher away and then I blame
them....it's kinda sad...

I don't want to sit here anymore, but I don't think they
are going to allow me to leave...I hate this...I hate
them...I hate life...GRRR