Little Bird

Private Babbling
2001-05-23 22:00:14 (UTC)

Oh My GOOD-Ness

The past couple of days have been very stressful, that is
for sure BUT something kind of special is happening at the
same time.

My contact person in Germany wrote to me on my private e-
mail account. I had included it in one of my work related e-
mails to him and he picked up on it. I am SO HAPPY!
His first writing was a 'guess who' but since I have MSN
hotmail it showed his name right away. I played stupid,
pretending to think he was someone else and giving him some
more information about myself and he e-mailed me back w/in
reasonable time. He was quick to tell me who he was and I
hope *fingers crossed* he will continue to write to me. I
don't know why I am so attracted to him...proly because he
is so far away but more likely because he has a very nice
voice and is very funny. He may have inspired me to write a
story about his tonite...We shall see *smirk*

The following is what I'd like to be able to tell Animal if
I ever find the nerve:

You are the most honest man I’ve ever come across. You have
no problem telling it like it is and I really appreciate
it. It’s true that I’ve been mislead before but not like
you think.
You make it hard for me to talk to you because I feel like
no matter what I say you will say something to make me feel
like my problems are meaningless. It’s true that nothing
short of life it’s self is worth a second thought BUT there
are things going on around me and things that have happened
in my life that have had a great impact. I let these
things bother me I guess. If I talk about them I don’t want
to feel like I’m bitching or boring. I need someone to
listen and feel the way I would to their situation. I need
a connection. When I am with you it’s easy for me to
say ‘Fuck the world…who needs them’ but the truth is I need
I’m not a very social person but I enjoy keeping my close
friends happy AND when they aren’t happy I’m not either.
When someone walks in or out of my life I feel that. I
don’t just turn my back.
I’ve had to deal with some pretty major stuff in the past 2
years but that wasn’t the start of everything. I don’t
think it’s important to go into great detail…everyone has
problems. The thing that almost brought me to tears when we
had dinner the other night is that I used to live that
life. I was very young & involved with a much older man. He
was involved in the life you mentioned…always watching his
back until one day he got knocked off. Just like that he
was gone. I never got over it and I never understood it. I
felt like I was always safe from the world with him &
his ‘family’. I will always hold them responsible for the
pain I feel. I never want to see them again and I feel like
if I stepped back into that world, even slightly, there’s a
chance I’d have to deal with them again.

I need to focus on MY life for a change. I’ve been trying
to make so many people happy for so long I almost forgot
what makes ME happy. I can’t be at someone’s beck and call
24/7. I know your not asking me to be but I feel a lot of
pressure when you tell me to be happy every time I see or
talk to you. I will be happy when I want to be happy.

I want you to be happy, I truly do. I want you to be able
to get home and relax not just ‘exist’. I need friends like
you in my life to remind me that things aren’t so bad. I
need permission to tell the world to go to Hell but I don’t
want to feel like I’m expected to perform or report to

I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I really
do value you as a friend and I’m not saying that we have to
be ‘just friends’ because I’m waiting for something better
to come along, don’t think that. I’m saying it because I
don’t trust myself & I’m just not ready to be more than
that with anyone right now.

Update on Stalker:
He still calls and I am 'nice' to him but I don't think I
will hang out with him ever again.

Update on Her:
She's e-mailed me twice in the past 2 weeks, no calls, oh

Update on Work:
Not as busy as I could be. We hired a new F, I want to hang
out with her...she is REALLY COOL!!!

Update on Mom:
Still a crack whore, back w/Al. Smokes MJ as soon as she
wakes up.

Update on Comet:
Love him to bits, whish I could show him this year but
things aren't looking that great right now.

Update on Kids:
Both doing well, looking forward to the end of school. :)

I don't believe anyone is reading this but if you are dear
reader, don't be affraid to let me know.