Peaches

It's not fair....

I've asked my mother several times in the last few days if we
can go get taps for my rap shoes and a pair of ballet shoes.
I knew that if we didn't just go and do it we would wait and
then we would say we'd do it, but it wouldn't get done until
the last moment. So we get the taps and then she begins
bringing out some ballet shoes. My mother comments that their
thirty dollars, and that with state and prom, and my hair for
prom that's alot of money. I thought for a moment and then
replied that I would be willing to wait until after prom. to
which she says No, I just wanted to point that out to you,
that thirty dollars is alot of money. I said she was right
and that I'd wait. then she said that she would get them for
me, and I insisted on waiting, but then said ok. After we get
outside she says, well, I just don't understand why you had
to have them now. What do you need them for so urgently this
summer? " I said I would wait" no I don't mind I just don't
see why you need them now? " well I figured if we didn't do
it now we probably wouldn't do it until the very end of
summer"
I didn't mean to be offensive. I didn't think it sounded
bad. " YOU THINK I WAIT UTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO DO THINGS!!!!
ME!? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO!! YOU THINK I WOULD
WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!!" no, that's not what i said. "TO
THINK THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE AUDACITY TO EVEN SAY THAT I,
III DO THINGS LAST MIN" no, what i meant was that we're going
to be really busy this summer and i knew tat if we didn't do
it, it most likely wouldn't get done. "HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY
THAT!!?" i'm sorry i even said anything. "YEAH, WELL ME TOO!"
She kept bitching and I satyed very monotone. I just sat
there and took it. like I always do. I just sat there and
took it. all the time screaming in my head at every remark
she made toward me. NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT'S WRONG, NO MATTER
WHAT I SAY IT'S WRONG!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT HERE AND
TAKE THIS!!! DDDDDOOOOOOOO SOMETHING!!!!!! ANYTHING!!!! for
god's sake i'm not even talking anymore and you're dtill
bitching me out!! i don't even have to answer and i'm wrong.
she said something about life not being fair and that's when
I went balistic!!!!!!! and not one word came out of my mouth.
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S NOT FAIR? IT'S NOT FAIR THAT MY
ENTIRE LIFE IS SPENT DEVOTED TO MAKING YOU HAPPY. IT'S NOT
FAIR THAT EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN MYSELF!
IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I LAY IN BED FOR HOURS EVERY NIGHT STARING
INTO SPACE BECAUSE MY HEAD IS SO FULL OF ABOLUTE SHIT!!!! AND
THEN GET BITCHED AT FOR BEING TIRED. IT'S NOT FAIR THAT
EVERYTIME I'M WITH YOU I WOULD LIKE TO THROW MYSELF IN FRONT
OF A CAR JUST TO LET YOU WATCH ME DIE. IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I
BLACK OUT AND WAKE UP IN RANDOM PLACES, AND GO DAYS WITHOUT
REMEMBERING THINGS!! IT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU'VE POUNDED INTO
MY HEAD THAT EVERYTHING SHOULD BE DONE IN REGUARD TO MY
FUTURE. IT'S MINE FOR GODS SAKE!!! AND ITS NOT FAIR THAT
EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR MY IMAGE, THAT YOU WANT TO PRESENT TO
PEOPLE. IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I WANT TO PLUNGE A KNIFE INTO MY
SKIN RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NOT FAIR THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE
ME!!!!! I C A N T TAKE YOU ANYMORE..........i just can't.

at this point i was in a ball curled on the floor weeping
uncontrollably on the inside, and monotone, silent and frigid
on the outside. she apollogized, and i said it was ok, I SAID
IT WAS OK!!!!!!!!!!! only one tear actually came out of my
body the entire time. one single tear.