Visions Of Life
2002-04-09 18:03:58 (UTC)

I Wonder..


I just returned from my interview. It went wuite well tho
there are alot of people who want the same job. I should
hear something by friday/ Have another one tomorrow. I am
filling out apps at a few Assisted Living centers today.

I am doing better. I am going to clean a bit then go
fishing after I fill out apps. Im so mixed up inside. I
think about him and I smile. I think about him and us and I
cry. I want things the way they were and it wont happen. Im
afriad to even have a "talk" with him because I dont want
to know the truth. I am afraid of hearing things wont
change. Its hard loving someone who does things you hate. I
know I cant possibly be with him because of the thing I
hate but I also love him so much and i want so much to
believe things will change and we will be happy but i know
those are the words of a fool. I dont want to be with
anyone else. I dont want to think of anyone else. I dont
want to touch anyone else. He is the one for me but this
issue is a definate road block and its tearing me up
inside. Ive put it off long enough. I have to talk to him.
He doesnt see that anything is wrong. Maybe I am too
sensitive and should let him have his fun. I dont know why
I feel the way I do. I feel so strongly about it and would
give up the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with
because of it. I cant think of any event in my past that
would make me freak out like this. But then again,
I "forget" things i dont like to remember.

I am fucked up, I think I prove this every day with my
suicidal ramblings. I tried to find a shrink or whatever
and the fuckin people never called me back. And now I dont
have insurance so it doesnt really matter anymore. Once I
get new insurance Ill try again but it will most likely be
more expensive and I cant really afford it. Well I can but
Id rather spend my money on anything else. I dont want to
pay someone to make me think about stuff. Its too scary. Id
rather stay fucked up and end my life when the time is
right. I dont trust doctors. They take away everything from
me and leave me as an emotionless, boring blob and then
claim Im cured because i dont have emotional outbursts. I
need those outbursts. My creativity lies in them and If I
ever want to be a writer(or if anyone will ever pay me to
write) I will need creativity...

I dont know what Im feeling. Im happy, anxious and sad. I
cry and laugh. I smile and frown. I can deal with all the
shit in my life except for feeling like my relationship is
going to end. This may sound obsessive and clingy and
psychotic but i dont give a fuck. I need him. Nothing else
matters to me but him and wondering if I will have to break
up with him to save my sanity kills me. I dont want to/cant
lose him but at the same time I cant be miserable for the
rest of my life either and pretend certain things dont
bother me when they do. That would lead to disaster. Im not
going to be one of those foolish girls who put up with bad
shit from their lovers because they "love him". Love is
very important to me and he is the most important thing in
my life but ive been miserable my entire life. I refuse to
spend any more time being miserable just because of love.
On the flip side tho, he makes me happy most of the time
(this past week has been the exception) and when I wasnt
with him for that month, it was one of the worst months of
my life. Next time on, The Bold and the Freakish (*laughs*
thats the only name I could come up with for my life based
soap will the beautiful Christine admit to her
lover how she feels or will she continue repressing it and
crying at night?

Work is in question. Life sucks. I am.. I am not sure..