Meshed Up
2002-04-09 06:48:45 (UTC)


i never thought i would say this but i love the smell of
cigarettes and coffee mixed together. mmmm...i'm not saying
that i like to smoke and i like drinking coffee, all i'm
saying is that the aroma that these two produce when
they're brought together is absolutely heavenly.

walking back from school in this hot (yes it's still hot!!)
autumn day, i can't stop thinking about how dumb i am. i
don't know...perhaps i'm not dumb...but i'm just not smart.
i can't think quickly. and i can't come up with new ideas
unless i read about them first and incorporate them into my
mind. our class is having a debate on whether feminism is
just a western idea next week...and as i listened to my
group mates discuss ideas, i just couldn't help wondering
why i couldn't contribute. all i did was sit down and
listen and make comments every now and then. but i had no
arguments. no ideas. i can't help but wonder why?

there will be three speakers for our debate...and i was
picked to be the first speaker. the 'introductory' speaker
which, obviously, does not have to do much. i don't know
why they chose me. perhaps it's because my english sounds
all right...but it's definitely not because i have a quick
and analytical mind.

i got one of my essays back today and i have a pretty all
right mark. 23.5 over 25. an a. it didn't mean much to me
though...because one thing i've learned, the marks that you
get in school don't measure your intelligence at all.

i don't wanna sound proud.. but i just wanna get all this
off my chest. my family believes that i'm a very
intelligent person. why? because i get high marks in
school. because i get honors and recognition in school.
because i was editor-in-chief of our school newspaper.
because i won best editor-in-chief out of all the other
schools in my country. because i won a national essay
writing competition. because i can play the piano. because
i used to play the violin. because i can play a bit of the

but all these...don't really measure my intelligence. i'm
not smart at all. i'm not intelligent. i'm a bloody
dumbass. i'm not quick in thinking, i'm very gullible, and
i'm a lousy speaker. terrible.

how can i be intelligent when i have to be spoonfed in
order to know things? how can i be intelligent if i can't
even remember most of the things that i have learned? how
can i be intelligent if i can't even speak my mind?

you don't have to be smart in order to get high grades in
school. all you need is to listen carefully, write down as
much notes as you can, and have good memory. remember
everything. remember as much as you can. when exams come
around the corner, then you write down what you heard, what
you wrote in your notes, and what you remembered. just
doing those things can give you high marks and give you the
label 'intelligent'.

i do all those things. i listen, i write and i remember. at
least, i remember until the exam is over. then they're all
gone. sometimes i wonder if school really is helpful.

so i am a bit depressed...because i'm waking myself up from
a dream that i refused to accept was a dream. i'm not
intelligent. i'm not smart. i hate it when people think i'm
stupid...but...what if i really am stupid? i bloody am

socrates once said that the most intelligent people in the
world are the ones who know that there are a lot of things
that they still don't know. i don't think they're
intelligent people. i think they're just people with common
sense. people with common sense romanticized by this great
greek philosopher.

so i go back to doing my research essay with a dejected
heart. and i'm not exaggerating.