Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-04-09 04:27:12 (UTC)

Diseases Of The Heart

4-8-02
10pm

I have interviews the next few days. I dont really care. I
was excited but now nothing makes me happy.

Completly cleaned and organized my bedroom. I was excited
but now I also dont care.

Went to play pool. Couldnt have fun.

Nothing I do makes me happy.

I dont want to talk to anyone. I want to cry.

I am in so much pain. My heart has hardened. I am miserable
and there is no way to escape except through death.

I feel abandoned. I feel rejected. I feel like Im second
best.

I hate being in love. I think i am too needy and controling
and selfish. Is wanting to at least see the man i love
longer then 5 minutes a day too much to ask? Am I wrong for
feeling like he has abandoned me for drinking buddies and
people his own age?

Im through. But how can I break up with someone I love so
much, especially when we live together.

Again, all signs point to suicide. Nothing matters to me
anymore. My life is one dark abyss. Happiness will never be
in my reach. I will never see light. I will always be
alone.

I was a fool for falling in love. i was a fool for thinking
everything would be fine. I was a fool for living. I was a
fool for imagining a happy ending.

Fuck. All I want is to go play one game of pool with him
but it seems like he'd rather go out with people he barely
knows. Am I that bad of company? Am I boring? What the fuck
is wrong with me? How can he claim to love me and then act
like i dont exist in his perfect little world.

I am sick of being invisable and sometimes the best way to
get attention is by doing something drastic. I cant cut
myself because I promiced but I can end my existance. After
that, who cares. Ill get more attention in dying then i
ever got while alive.

First step. If I can write letters to people I love
explaining why I wanted to die then I can proceed to the
next step.