a freak with a heart
2002-04-08 23:10:41 (UTC)

A look back on the last month or so

OK well i haven't written in a long time i know. It's been
like a few months or something right, well i a lot has
happened and i really do want to keep track of everything i
go though this year to look back on.

well the last time i wrote was right after my grandfather
died. Two weeks later my uncle also died. My family is a
complete mess no one person is sane at the moment! My
grandmother most of the time is not all there but kinda
spacy. She has these mood swings now, and it's almost like
she is a completely different person now. But i understand,
she lost the person she's spent her life with and now she's
alone and doesn't know what to do. So i lost 2 members of
my family in one month and mentally lost another.
During this same time i've been seeing a doctor for my
depression. He diognoased me as severly depressed. So now
im medication which sucks, cause i don't want the only way
for me to feel normal is by taking medican. At times i
don't even want to take it, i'll just live my messed up
screwed up life and be utterually misserable. Life's been a
You know how i had to wait until about 2 weeks ago to
see jeremy again right. well that was 3 long months i had
to wait. And i broke down, i was so mad at myself to i
thought i could do it. i thought i could make it, i am
emotionally strong enough for this. And i broke down and
became weak. Before i meat jeremy or should i say before we
found each other i really like this guy. his name is
Dillion. All last year i wanted him to tell me he liked me
cause i knew he did, but he never did. And this year i
finally got to see him cause he's in my art class. This is
the first time i will have gotten to see him since about
january of last year. We have both changed so much to. I
love Jeremy, i love him with my whole heart mind and soul.
He's my missing half, the thing that makes me whole and i
could never live without him. But i realized i still have
some feelings for Dillion, and i don't know why. I think i
am attraced to him because he understnads me and he wanted
to get to know me and understand me when i didn't know who
i was and was kinda just there but not really there! i
think for that reason i will always have a place for him in
my heart. He's a great friend and i never want to loss him.
ok now the whole point behind this was that since i do have
feelings for dillion and i hadn't seen my baby fo a long
time and really needed the attention from a guy i found
myself pictureing my kissing Dillion. i got so upset with
myself. i tought i could handle not seening jeremy and
being around dillion knowing he still has strong feelings
for me, i tohught i could handle it. But i couldn't i let
myself break down to my human emotions and mis place my
love for jermy with my feelings for dillion. ok now i know
it's really know big deal, everyone including jeremy has
told me it's ok i did nothing wronge, i just had a weak
moment from being away from him so long, and i had no real
reason to be upset at all. AAAAAAHHHHHH i still feel so
horrible not only cuase i felt like i hurt jeremy in some
way but because i had to be strong and hold off how i felt
about dillion so i wouldn't hurt him or give him the idea
that there ever will be something between him and i. even
though i made it clear to him that i have a boyfriend and i
love him and there isn't going to be anything between us!
OK lets see what else changed or happened.....umm...oh
yeah i dyed my hair bright RED, lol my dad almost passed
out when he saw it. but i love it and so does everyone else
now that they have gotten used to the color! umm oh yeah
this time i was going to go down to jeremy's but at the
last min. my parents changed there minds, oooooh i was
pissed as all fucking hell! but i kinda got over it and he
ended up coming here for twice as long. so it worked out,
but don't think im not gonna get back at them some how. i
wanted jeremy to bring a peircing needle up with him and i
had my friend go get a navel ring cause i was gonna get my
bnavel peirced, cause my mom told me no way in hell she was
gonna let me as long as i lived under her roof. BUT she
will let me get my nose done when i have the money, go
figure no navel but a nose. i don't get how parents think
at all. but anyway he couldn't get a needle so i couldn't
get it down....not yet that is. But i will get both done
and you can be sure of that! OH YEAH guess what i get ot
get out of school for over a week to go to New Mexico. i am
so happy! my aunt is graduating from college and offered to
pay for me and my cousin to fly out as an early graduation
gift from her and my uncle. I can't wait, i get to see my
aunt and uncle who i haven't seen in a long time and my 2
cousins. i leave in a month! oh i think thats it actually.
oh wait i forgot to tell you all about what happened when
jeremy WAS up here. but thats a long story and i don't
really know if i want t tell you. it something between us
and only us this time even though i have already told my
close friends. sorry but maybe i'll spill my gutz later!

Always think for yourself