tarletondiva

Trials and Tribulations
2002-04-08 17:56:58 (UTC)

Insane weekend!

I hardly know where to start. I just know that things have
been so strange lately, I don't know whether I should sit
and do nothing or go crazy and change everything.

FridayI came to class, even though I didn't want to. I
never want to anymore. I just want to be done. I wonder
if there's any way that I could skip the next 5 weeks and
still graduate?? Hmmm....probably not!! :)

I had a logic test and a Spanish 4 test. Not fun at all.
I don't know how I did, but I don't think it is good.
We'll see soon enough though. Before my test, Justin said
that he would skip his 11:00 class so that we could hang
out for about an hour before I had to leave to go to work.
We met up...Eric was there. We were going to go and hang
out, but Eric really wanted to go and eat lunch, so that's
what we did. Then I had to come home and go straight to
work...that was no fun at all. The day went by pretty fast
though. Royce called a couple of times. He wanted me to
go down there and go to the movies or something, but I told
him that Lacy wanted to hang out, and since I saw him on
THursday night, I wanted to go be with her. He was
disappointed, but I can't spend all of my time with one
person. It gets old after a while. Plus, I'm trying to
make sure that he understands that we are just
friends...I'm not his girlfriend, we aren't dating...I
don't need to see him every day.

At any rate, I went over to Lacy's after work. Between the
2 of us, we smoked like 4 j's, which is a lot, especially
for me. I got so fucking high...we just sat in the hot tub
and chilled. It was nice. I went home at about 1 am and
went to bed. When I got home, Justin hadn't called.

Oh yeah...since I worked for Sharon's dumb ass on Thursday,
she said she'd work for me on Saturday, so I had the day
off, which was bad ass. I got up at like 10, got ready,
and went to Waco. Royce and I were going to go out and
chill together. It was fun. We went to the mall. I got
to talk to Melissa, and she said that she's 9 weeks
pregnant. I remember when she was married to Scott, she
wanted to have a baby, but they had trouble. Now they're
divorced, but she's pregnant. I didn't ask about the
father. I didn't want to be nosey. She just said that she
was being transferred to Dallas, and that Mindy was going
to help her with the baby. Guess he's not in the picture--
who knows.

Well, we bullshitted around the mall for a while. Then we
went to eatI had a really good time. It was nice to be
able to be around someone and just have fun without any
worries or anything else. He's a cool guy--very nice,
sweet, good-looking--all good things. I just don't feel
like I could be with him, even if I wasn't in love with
Justin. It's just not there for me. It's there for him
though. He thinks that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, witty,
etc. etc. He tells me all the time. I know that he wants
more from me, but I can't give it to him right now. I'm
just too confused. I want and need him as a friend,
because I know that things are about to change so
drastically, and I need some stability. I used to think
that Justin could be my stability, but I love him too
much. There's too much emotion involved. I've come to
realize that stability comes in the form of friendship,
and, although Justin knows me better than anyone else, we
are more than friends. We have to worry about breaking up
and giving each other validation. With friends, it's not
the critical. You are just there for them. I wonder if
Justin and I could ever be just friends. I like to think
that I could do it, but I know that the first time I saw
him with someone else, it would rip my heart right out of
my chest.

I'm getting off the subject--Royce and I went back to his
place, and he watched the basketball game while I took a
nap. I have been so tired lately, and nothing seems to
help it. I need to get blood work done again soon, but I
don't really have time. Anyway, when I woke up, we went
over to his friends' house. Missy (or is it Misty) is a
BIG white girl who has an attitude from hell. She was
really nice to me, but I would hate to get on her bad
side. JJ--he just got out of jail apparently. He reminds
me of this one guy in Outkast. Davey is a goofy looking
hispanic guy. They were all really nice to me, but I felt
weird being there. I'm beginning to realize that, although
I like to think that I can hang out with different kinds of
people, I'm only comfortable with people who at least
resemble my personality. Maybe I'm being narrowminded--
we'll have to wait and see. Royce is going to be 28 next
month, so all of his friends are older, and 95% of them
have kids. Royce's son is adorable though. Very sweet
little 4 year old boy.

So we left there, and Royce needed to get his haircut. We
went to the same barber shop that he's been going to since
he was little. It was this little place in East Waco,
which is a pretty rough part of town. It was run by these
3 old black men, who couldn't have been nicer. They looked
at me kind of funny, but I'm guessing they thought I was
Royce's girlfriend or something. They were listening to
old blues and this Lou Rawls song came on--I started
mouthing the words and one of them saw me and acted
surprised. The other guy said that when I walked in the
door he could tell I had soul...that's an interesting
concept. At any rate, I enjoyed myself, sitting talking
with those men while he got his haircut. The music was
great. I could've listened to that radio all day! :)

We went back to his place to get changed to go to the
club. When we got there, JJ was there, so was his friend
John, his girlfriend Carla, and his sister Christina. They
were so beautiful. Flawless olive skin (they were
Hispanic), beautiful hair, and gorgeous smiles. Needless
to say, I felt like a bow-wow next to them, but oh
well! :) I'm used to that by now. I'm always surrounded
by beautiful girls...but I'm smart, right?!? Oh well--
enough of that. I'm just always afraid that I will lose
some guy, even Justin, to some little hottie. So much
insecurity, so little time!!! :)

The DJ sucked. He was playing music on a loop. These 2
guys from Cali were there--total rave kids. They were
showing me different moves. I am thinking about
incorporating something like that into a dance routine.
Well, we stayed at the club till 2. I had fun, but the
music was terrible. We just sat and talked. Carla and
Christina are really nice. Hopefully I'll get to hang out
with them more.

I dropped Royce off and came home. I knew that if I stayed
for a little bit, things would get awkward and I would have
to tell him again that I didn't want to mess around with
him. It's strange knowing that someone is so attracted to
me. With Justin, alot of times I feel like I have to push
up on him to get any kind of reaction--he gets to be
reluctant sometimes. I guess he gets tired of messing
around with me, but I never get tired of messing around
with him. Go figure.

I got home at about 3:30, but I stayed up until six because
I wanted to have my room cleaned and laundry done before
Justin got there. Steven said that he called Saturday
morning. I wish I could've called him back, but by the
time I knew he called, he was already at the party. Got up
Sunday at about 1:00 because Kyle called. Does he not get
the hint? Don't like him--not attracted to him--mentally,
physically, or otherwise. Some people are just dense.
Maybe I am one of those people, but that's besides the
point! :)

I called Justin at about 2, but no one answered so I left a
message. I figured he was still in Austin. He called me
about an hour later and said that he was at home, that they
had come through Meridian at about 9 a.m., but he thought
it might be too early to come over. I wish that he
would've gotten in bed with me. I miss sleeping next to
him. Mitza dropped him off at about 4. He told me about
the party. Apparently, they had fun. He said he talked to
Tasha alot and Mitza too. They rolled, and everyone had
fun. We ended up getting into a conversation about Mitza
because she called my house to talk to him. She wanted to
know when he was coming home and if he had step practice.
He didn't have practice, but he said he had to go home last
night to work on some stuff. I wish he would've stayed.
I'm beginning to wonder if he's avoiding staying the night
with me or something. Anyway, he said that I was going to
take him home at about 10:30. I didn't hear the entire
conversation, but I guess she wanted to go and get him, so
he said fine, to come at 10. That really pissed me off for
some reason. I just wanted to have one damn day with him.
I wanted to take him home so we could talk and bullshit
together, but she had to do it. Am I asking too much
here?! I don't think I am. We talked about her being a
bitch to me and being pissed off at what I did. I don't
know if he ever sees fault in the things she does, but I
finally told him that she had hurt me more than he ever had
because I thought she was my friend. I wanted to be a
friend to her. I tried talking to her, telling her things
that I didn't tell most people, and she just threw it in my
face. She a hypocrite--it was okay for her to fuck Justin
when she knew we were together in December, but it's not
okay for me to make a mistake a few weeks ago. WHAT THE
FUCK EVER! Just thinking about it gets me angry. I wish I
didn't care about her. I wish that I could just act like
she didn't exist, but I can't, because in that time that we
were friends, I started to care for her as a person. If I
didn't care about her, then I wouldn't go to the goddamn
hospital to check on her, would I?! That's what makes it
so hard--I really do care about her and worry about how
she's doing. Apparently that doesn't count for shit though.

Justin didn't say anything. He just listened. What I said
probably didn't make much of a difference, but at least I
said it. He knows how I feel, now what he does with that
information is entirely up to him, you know? :)

Yesterday was amazing though. He did things to me that no
one has ever done, and I loved every minute of it. I
wondered at first where this was all coming from, this out-
of-the-blue urge to do things that he never does, but I
decided to just let it ride and enjoy it. He's so good in
bed--it drives me crazy. I can't help it that all I want
to do when I see him is get naked. It's his fault for
making me enjoy myself so much!! :) LOL I just hope that
he enjoys it too. I always feel inadequate--yet another
insecurity of mine. There's plenty to go around!! :)

We talked about the "future". He hates doing that. I know
he doesn't like the idea of making plans, and I'm starting
to think that I don't either. What's the point in making
plans, getting my hopes up, and changing my life for
something that might not even work out?? He just said--
"Let's see what happens" That's fine with me. I hope to
GOd that we are still together and that I never lose him.
I hope everyday that I am right in thinking that he is the
one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

In spite of all this bitching and confusion--I am still
sure that I love Justin. I'm still sure that I need him in
my life and that he makes me happy. I'm just not sure
about the other things--what will become of us, whether we
will last, etc. It's not that I think my feelings will
change. It's that I think he will be afraid or reluctant
or whatever, and that we will end up going our own seperate
ways. I guess if that happens though, my life will still
be better because he was in it. I'll still have memories
of spending the day at Lake Whitney, talking in front of
the Jefferson Memorial, and the way he touches my face. I
just have to remember that some people go their entire
lives without feeling like I feel about him. Regardless of
what happens, at least I was fortunate enough to get a
glimpse at solace.




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