Insensitive Kitten

Insensitive Kitten
2001-05-23 08:22:36 (UTC)

...blahhh...

I can't get over my grandfathers death...I can't...an image
of him is everywhere I go...everything I do...and then I
sit there and remember...and all these memories come to
me.....

Yesterday I remembered when my mother was suicidal....she
would sit by my door talking to my grandmother....telling
her that things would be better if she were dead. That she
would kill herself cos no one would care.

I remember being on the other side of that door
crying....praying that she wouldn't kill herself.

I even remember the very first day she was suicidal.

We were driving in the car and she was zonning out all
day...her eyes were glazed....and she turned to me and
said "I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up."

I started to cry and told her she scared me...she
apologized...I told her never to say that again...she
agreed but then made sure I knew that's how she really felt.


Blah...people think I'm a bitch...people think I'm stupid
for hardly leaving the house....
I get scared in a serious relationship....I can't get close
to anyone.....everything turns into me hurting the person
cos they wanted something serious......
I push people to hate me so when they say hurtfull things
in defense......it makes me hate myself more....it's like
cutting....but with people...
I keep having anxiety....memories keep comming back to
me.....flashes....
Things that should have stayed buried but don't intend
to....
I try to sleep at night....I do...I'm tired....I'm scared
of me....
I keep thinking of things...I can't control my
thoughts.....I see my reflection and I just seem so ugly....
So....forgotten....stained...diseased...
There's something pysically wrong with me......I keep
having dizzy spells....my skin changes colors and no period
for four months now...
We don't have the money to take me to the doctor....
I'm so fat....I eat mainly at night cos I sleep the day
away....
I'm having nightmares again and I'm thinking of suicide
again cos these memories are hurting my soul....
They're demons making me feel alone....
I have a slight case of goriphobia that only gets worse
with the anxiety.....
Sometimes I know I'm going insane....
And I drown it out with music....
Or with a knife.....
I don't know

I just don't want to see my grandfather everywhere I go...

Don't want to look at a stranger...longing and
remembering....

These memories make my head feel so tight...so full....so
diseased....

Just like me....I'm a disease...

I'm the epitomy of disease....

I'm self-distructive and I'm alone......

My tears keep streaming and nothing changes...it makes no
impact....it doesn't stop time.....

I wish I had a pause button


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