Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-04-08 11:07:17 (UTC)

Im Only Happy When Im Away

4-8-02
5am

This depression is killing me slowly. Everytime I think Im
happy, something happens and I realize just how miserable i
am. Im only happy when Im away from my apartment. When Im
here Im so lonely and so miserable. But I cant be gone
forever and always have to come home. And go to bed alone.
And spend every minute alone. I hate this. Even when not
alone I am alone. And I am so horny. So much it pisses me
off because I shouldnt have to wait so long. I was so happy
last night. Had so many things I wanted to do. Now I dont
want to do anything. I dont want to see anyone. I dont want
to be here nor there. I want to disappear. Im so alone and
didnt use to feel this way. Im not really suicidal in the
urgent sence. Its more an after thought instead of an
impulse. Im so sick of feeling so alone and always being
alone. I want it to go away because it hurts so much and
will only get worse as time goes on and eventually, all
that will be left is me, and thats just tragic.

Crying
No one sees to notice
Me slip away
In the shadows
Whose there to notice anyway
Its just me
Alone to deal
Face the demons
Torment my own mind
And cry softly inside
Such a selfish feeling
I hate myself for wanting so much
But is wishing for company
Too much to ask
Days go by
Weeks, months
Still alone
Even with others
It deepens
Poisons in my mind
Only solutions are final
Take a last glimpse
Of what I will leave behind
Close my eyes
And enter eternal emptiness


Work is nonexistant. Life sucks. I am
lonely/depressed/suicidal