Renac

Pixels_of_Life
2002-04-08 06:35:54 (UTC)

A sleep deprived weekend.

Well I know its been awahile but oh well I doubt anyone
reads these entries anyways.I've managed once again to miss
Bryans beloved phone calls. Although I managed to be here
for one on friday night. I was soo happy to hear his voice
other than the one I hear mixed with a generous amount of
static courtious of my answering machine. Anyways Bryan
still dosn't know where, when, or how long it will take to
be station. But thatts not the reason for this entry....
I hate my self, I strongly dislike the person that I have
inavertaly become I've manage to becomethe one thing I told
my self never to be and thats to be leading my male friends
on. I'm afraid to say I love Bryan but I want to believe I
do & I want to Feel that I do. I work mostly with boys and
a good portion of my social affections (friends) are boys.
Some don't like me for my body they say they like ME
(surprise) based on that I doubt thier motives. Others are
open upon what they desire most from our social aquaintece
and are quite bold as to wether or not they really care or
pretend.
For example I work with a guy titled Justin B. He can be
extreemly out of line most of the time. He knows of my feelings for
Bryan and claims that he understands completly as to waht I am going
through. Then he'll flirt with me and make remarks as to which I
can't get to mad about becasue I too make obsene remarks back. sO to
narrow it down we some flirt in a rude and vulgar mannner as if we
are more like josting partners rather than friends.
Then theres koady and really sweet baby faced 18 year old.
(I have just relized that this entry probably sounds like a
documentary of my social affection and aa note to whom ever
of them reads this I am soory for any offense I have made)
We flirt a lot and that confusses me. I have a bing of
guilt every time I a tease him or smile becuase of him but
I try not to live like a total nun as to which bryan told
me to do. But I know that there can never be anything
seious between koady and I because of my feeling s for
Bryan. I've told him this I am not sure he got the
point I shall try again at our next meeting.
Maybe I'm taking everything way too serious and I should
just be able to have fun for once in my life with out
feeling to guilty about what I do and with who i think that
If I'm honest up front with someone that I find interesting or
intreging then it could save a lot of time.
I'm not sure even now if I'm actually bryan's girlfriend
offically I hvae yet to hear him say that i'm his girl but
oh well. every day is a nuetural day so there is noe point
as to getting up set.
There are two Steven as to which I'm fond of but ones at
school and one is a co worker. I feel horrible for that too.
I just want to be accepted some and the way I've found to
be accepted is to flirt with guys. I really hate my self
for what I do to my self.
~JD




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