2002-04-08 05:27:37 (UTC)

see my days are cold without you

and though my heart cant take no more
i keep on running back to you
when i get the strength to leave you
always tell me that you need me
and im weak because i believe you
and im mad because i love you
then i stop and think that maybe
you might learn to appreciate me,
then it all remains the same that yuo're never guna change
youre never guna change.
never guna change.

i just talked to matt for like 2 or 3 hours... it was
really bad at first. i told him i wasnt in love with him,
i just have missed who he was and i dont love who he is at
all, hes not special anymore, hes just like everyone else,
and then he said if hes changed it was because of me... and
he said "if im ever honest, its right now, and a long time
ago, i made a promise to myself that i cant break." and
that was, when whatever happened with richard and asshole, he
promised himself "that i would never let myself be with you
ever again." and i was like then what have you been doing
for the past year, why did you make that just for fun and
he said no that was the least amount of fun possible, and i
was like then what have you been doing for a year and he
was like fighting with myself. and i was like some people
can break up and be friends after awhile and talk about
people they've had sex with, but i dont think i'll ever be
at that friend point with you, and he said "well i was
thrown to that point." and he said that he knows hes hurt
me, but on a different level and he doesnt think anything
hes done to me has hurt me as bad as that hurt him. and
that he likes having me around but hes done fighting with
himself about this promise.

if this is something i cant fix, i give up.
if i could, i would go back right now.
but i cant.
and he will not change, he wont go back.
and if it were the other way around, i dont believe i would
either. i could not take that amount of hurt.
so i will accept the blame.
and i will leave it at that. that is, to me, closure.
the closure i have needed.
i will take the blame, and accept that i cant change it now.
i made a mistake that ruined it all.
and now i have closure.
for better or for worse.
everything happens for a reason.
what will come, i dont know.
but for now i have closure.
and now its time for us to have our own lives.