My Diary
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2002-04-07 23:20:52 (UTC)

My Thoughts......

I feel so confused....hell, i always feel that way, no one
understands...no one knows what it's like to walk a mile in
my shoes. I don't understand why God won't let me be w/ the
one person who i love and who I know TRULY loves me more
than life itself. Why can't he live closer to me, why can't
i see him whenever i want, it's just so NOT FAIR...all i
can do is talk to him while i hurt so bad inside that i
feel like i could die at any given moment of grief from not
having him. I worry so much that he's gonna find someone
else, someone else to love the way that he always has me.
He promised he wouldn't, and he promises me he'll marry me,
but what are promises anymore. He's already broken more
than one, but i forgive him. I will always forgive him,
because I LOVE HIM. Everybody has always told me first
loves are so hard to get over, but i just can't seem to get
over this one for the life of me, i've tried. I've tried
dating other ppl, nice ppl, who would give up their whole
world for me, but i see that and i push away, i dont want
to fall in love with anyone else, i want to be alone or
with chris. I dont want to feel this way, i feel like i am
alone, and that i am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without him. I have
no happiness except for the moments that i remember us
being together, and then i think of how much i miss not
having that and i start to cry all over again. I hope he
doesn't feel like this, i don't want him to hurt, i would
rather cry a thousand tears than for him to shed one. I
just want him happy, but i want him happy with me, that's
the only way i can see it happening....the only way that in
the end, i'll KNOW that i'll be OK. This is such a release
for me, because i can NEVER tell anyone how i feel, i'm so
afraid of what other ppl think of me that i've turned into
this FAKE person.....i hate what i have become, and
sometimes i wish i could go back and change a lot of things
and stand up for myself, to make ppl see that they can't
just "run-over" me... i think chris is the only person who
has never done me wrong like others has, he makes me feel
so alive, and free, and beautiful, and i have never met
anyone who can make me feel that way. that's why i know
it's true. i jsut with i could go see him, our situation
sucks, he doesn't even ahve his license and he's older than
me, i have mine, but because "we don't have the money", i
can't get a car, even tho i have to pay for the fuckin
thing on my own...we dont have the money for me to do jack-
shit around here anymore, it sucks, i have to
suffer so much and when you look at it all, none of it is
really my fault, i think GOD is testing me, really i do, i
think he's seeing how strong i am, and exactly how much i
can take....well, guess what, i'm about at the end of my
rope, i can't take anymore, i already wish i could die if
there's not a way for me to be happy.....i just hope i find
that way to be happy soon.....and i hope it's not too late,
i hope i'm not COMPLETELY DEPRESSED by then.....i'll just
keep hoping......and praying......

*It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong", when nothing's
*You never stop loving somone, you only learn to live without them*
*Ask how many times my heart has been broken, and i will tell you to
COUNT the STARS in the sky*
*Tears are words that the heart can't say!*
*Change is hard-you fight to hold on-you fight to let go!*
*From angel wings to falling stars, GOD makes everything, but
unbreakable hearts*
I just always have to remember this........
*A broken heart continues to beat*