love and sex and miss-matched socks
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2002-04-07 21:59:33 (UTC)

getting to know me

went to be early this morning.
Slept in.
layed around all day.
decided at about 4:30 this afternoon it was time to shower
and get dressed.
took a warm shower and a hot bath.
Took some time to get to know me.
its been a while since ive been alone.
always out and about. if not, im online or on the phone.
rarely is it just quiet. just me.
felt so good.

so now, an hour later, i feel beautiful.
i cant believe how long its been since ive had privacy.
me and myself.

im not sure whats going to happen with the rest of the day.
may go outside and pull weeds or work on my tan.
i would like to see a movie... but im not sure what
happened to jessica. where she is... whats up?

brittani got into some kind of trouble. daniel spent the
night at some girls house. beth is working...
whatever. someone will call. if not ill stay home!

Lester and I were talking... and he said something about me
needed to feel like i am in control of every situation...
we were talking about a different scenerio... but i doubt
he knows that what he said was totally correct... in what
we were talking about and in a different aspect.

I used to be bulimic. And if that doesnt tell you i am a
power freak... i am not sure what does. I didnt throw up
because i thought i was fat or ugly. I did it because my
weight has always gone up and down... like an ugly roller
coaster. And the only way to make sure that i could always
fit into my fav pair of jeans was to control my weight. but
controlling my food in take was too difficult... called for
too much self discipline... so eating what i desired and
throwing up seemed the best solution.
i got up to 190 pounds. sophmore year.
all through junior year i had control of it. I got down to
130... and decided enough was enough. its almost the end of
senior year and i have stopped throwing up for the most
part. Sometimes when i feel fat or too full or ugly i do
it. and i guess thats to control my emotions... not really
my weight... because its not on a regular basis... just to
make myself feel better.

im 145 right now. not fat. not skinny. just me.

so now that you all know another one of my deep dark
secrets... ill leave you to wondering the rest.

dont tell me what i do is bad for me. i dont care to hear
that. ive heard it all before but no one can alter my way
of thinking besides me. and i know what im doing.

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