le soleil et la lune
2002-04-07 05:59:50 (UTC)

I hate him

Why is it that I feel the need to spend so much time with
him? Maybe its b/c most of how I feel depends on him, I
don't know. I get jealous so easily, and at this point I
definately have no right to. I still want to be with him,
and I've never really been good at dating, so its just
convenient to have this hold on him in my head. what hurts
things is that he is also my best friend, and sometimes I
feel like I should be getting more out of our friendship
than constant frustration, anxiety, and sadness. I am
truly happy every now and then when we are hanging out, but
i think he takes our friendship for granted. yeah, I
bounced back(sorta) after he lead me on, and then told me
he didn't want to be with me, and I have always been there
for him. I've even held my tongue lately about his
smoking. But anytime we do anything together, it's because
I asked him, not vice versa. When we talk online 9 out of
10 times it is me who IMs him. I'm still hurt about the
whole "thing", but at least I'm not on the verge of tears
all of the time. Nope, now I'm on the verge of pure
hatred. I feel like every little things he does is aimed
at me, even though I know its not. I have such high
expectations of him and our friendship, and I'm constantly
being disappointed. I mean, when the boy can not figure
out that something he does REALLY pisses me off, then we
have problems. I guess the only time we are going to hang
out is when he needs me to help him do something.
Otherwise, it seems like the "fun" people take
prescendence. you know, the ones he's going to be spending
all of next year with while I might hear from him around
christmas if I'm luckY:( I hate thinking like this, and
worse I hate feeling like this. I feel cheated.