AzureSky143

Kristan's So-Called Life
2002-04-07 02:30:05 (UTC)

The End Is The Beginning

i'm sure there are times in everyone's life when they just
need to step back and look at themselves and their past.
for me, this is that time. So much has happened to me in
the last few years... it has gone by in such a blur, that i
have trouble recounting all that has happened. it's time
for me to make sense of things. and i think that writing it
is my only way to do that. what follows is my real life
soap opera, my trials and tribulations... it is me. i will
start from the beginning.

Chris

i said i would start from the beginning, and i am. chris
was my beginning. i don't really remember living before
him. chris and i began dating when i was a senior in high
school, and he in every way brought out the best in me. he
was in college and living an hour away when i met him. my
parents didn't like him at first because he was a "college
guy" but i knew better. week after week he would come to
see me. every weekend we spent together was better than the
one before. months went by, and i thought he was the one.
summer came, and chris drifted away from me.... many things
in his life moved him away from me. we broke up on a
sunday. he said that he couldn't handle the fact that i was
going to college someplace other than his college. i
couldn't change my plans for love, and i lost him. i went
to college that fall, starting over.... i felt empty and
lost. i started doubting wether chris's "i love you's"
were ever sincere. i cried myself to sleep countless
nights... praying to find someone else. no one came. no
one answered my prayers.

a month later i met brandon... and he was everything chris
was not. he was a drinker and a smoker, but swore he would
quit for me. he promised me the world. he helped me
forget. i honestly believe he tried. but he and i only
lasted a month. he said he was scared i'd go back to chris
cuz i always talked about him... i guess he was right.
However, he's the one who went and got engaged to his best friend.
She had a son, and he felt he needed to be there for both of them..
or some story like that. He found her cheating on him a few months
later and tried to come back to me. but i pushed him away. at times
i longed to have him back, but i knew he was no good for me. but
we're still friends.

After my break up with Brandon, I did call Chris... and we did get
back together. for a few weeks, it seemed just like old
times... then all began to fall apart again. new year's
eve was our last night together. over a year ago... and
things will never be the same.




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