...its all a dream...
Ok...my mind has, yet again, associated rape with cutting.
Here's the dream (nightmare?) I had.
I had a mother and father (the peachy kind) a brother (of
course) and I do believe there was a sister somewhere there.
So..my brother was a big guy...brown hair...stubble....the
kind you wouldn't wanna mess with.
So I was talking to him and he was listening to music and
trying to decide how he would rape me this time according
to the vibe he got from the music. (I tend to listen to
music when I cut and that sometimes effects how angry my
stabs are). He decided that the most painfull way was
appropriate. So he went to my rooom and was like...putting
some sort of gell on...there. Then he went to the bathroom
to get ready....so I sat there thinking "I took a quiz once
and it said I find sex to be numbing...so maybe I won't
feel it." Then a brilliant idea popped in my mind. I ran to
the kitchen and got my favorite knife and slashed up my
face and arms till I was dripping with blood. I figured
that I was so scared of the pain of rape that I would
dissasociate from the cutting so I wouldn't feel it.
Instead of going back to the room I went to my pechy
parents room and showed then the knife and said I would
kill myself if they don't stop him from rapping me. So they
called the police and I ran out of the house...
Thinking back that whole dream is all about how cutting
makes me feel....
The whole dissasociate before I get rapped is how my mind
turns off my emotion before I cut...so I won't feel the
And when I ran to get help from the rape is someone seeing
my cuts and how bad I hurt and getting me help.